Thursday, January 8, 2015

Welcome 2015!

Here we are 8 days into the new year, things are pretty good. New Year's Eve was a little rough but I made it through and I am excited for this new year.

I know that it is just a date on a calendar but there is something so refreshing about starting a new year. It always feels so nice to say goodbye to the struggles and trials of last year and look forward to a bright and shiny year ahead!

I decided not to make resolutions this year, but instead, try and find projects to finish and something to focus my time and energy on. Unlike resolutions, if I don't accomplish everything that I want to this year I am not going to let it get me down. I am going to try and focus on my accomplishments rather than failures.

So here is what I am hoping to work on this year:


  • I am a little late to the Project Life/pocket scrapbooking stuff, but I want to try it. I have not been very good at keeping a journal or taking pictures and I am hoping that this will help encourage and inspire me to have a record of our year. If it works like I want and I enjoy it I am hoping to continue for the next year too. If you are not familiar with Project life/pocket scrapbooking just google it or look it up on pinterest, there's lots of stuff out there. 
    • To start this fun project I decided to buy some supplies and see how it works. I tried not to get too crazy until I know how I am going to do (but I am addicted to craft supplies) I decided against just buying Project Life stuff because it is expensive, but a lot of brands have their own version. There is this awesome warehouse scrapbook/craft sale out in Orem every year and I go every year! This year I was able to find some supplies I needed to get started and for a huge discount, awesome! If you want more info let me know, it is open until the end of January.

  • My other goal is to find a way to earn money for our In Vitro. We are so ready to get started with our family and start with our treatments. Our puzzle fundraiser is still up and running and it is going ok. We kind of took a break with the holidays but I am ready to hit the ground running again. Adam and I are trying to brainstorm ways to earn some extra money along with our puzzle fundraiser. I am thinking of making and selling some crafty stuff (wreaths, memory boards, tutu chalkboards, etc) I am just never sure how much to charge for items and if anyone would even buy them. I guess I will just have to make a few items and see how it goes. I may also try making some treats to sell (truffles, cookies, cheesecakes, just the good fattening stuff) I am just so anxious to get started with our treatments but Adam and I both feel we need to get a little more money set aside so we aren't paying off our In Vitro for the next 5-6 years, but if we have to finance it then we will finance it.  If you have any suggestions on fundraisers I would love to hear your ideas. Our blog, just in case you haven't been there yet is: 2 Nicholes for a Baby

  • Third goal is to decorate our home and get it organized. I love to organize but I have a hard time getting rid of things. This year I am ready to just start getting rid of stuff. We decided to start with our bedroom and see if we can finally get it decorated and finished after 5 years in our home. We bought a new bed and dressers last year and then never finished, I am sure we ran out of money. We just bought a new headboard, our lamps are being spray painted and we have some new things being printed to hang on our wall. We have a few more things to do but those few things should help tie our room together. 


Our lamps being painted yellow and you can't really see our headboard so I will post more pics when the room is a little more done. 


So those are three things I want to work on this year. Wish me luck! Do any of you do resolutions or what are you planning to accomplish this year? 

Here's to a productive 2015!

Monday, December 29, 2014

Reflections on Infertility

This time of year while sitting in my warm, quiet home, spending time with my family and friends, it usually leads me into a reflective state. Sometimes being alone with my thoughts can be a scary thing, there is a whole lot of crazy up there waiting to come out. I have been thinking a lot about this past year and the years before. Like most people Adam and I have been through a lot of ups and downs but at least we have been through them together. Always at the forefront of our struggles is the dark unknown of infertility. I know, I know another infertility post, but I am hoping this one is different and  unfortunately, infertility makes itself known more when I become reflective. Adam and I were talking about our trials a few weeks ago and we talked about trying to find the joy in trials. Let me tell you that is a hard thing to do! But during our discussion we were able to find some silver linings on the dark clouds that pass through each of our lives.

With our infertility it is so hard to find the good and try to look at it as a blessing rather than a punishment. However, I think with each trial there is always something to be learned or gained. You may not see the blessing or understand the lesson until that trial is over but sometimes you can pull yourself from the darkness to see the little bit of hope or light to keep you pushing forward. I wanted to share our little glimpse of light we were able to find.

* Our miscarriage was one of the hardest things we have EVER had to deal with. It was painful and emotional and I still think about that baby that could have been. But because of that one time we know that my body CAN get pregnant. I don't know why I haven't been pregnant since (except a couple chemical pregnancies) but Adam and I try to hold on to that reassurance that it has happened once and it can happen again

* We were quiet about our infertility for a long time and I think at one point we just didn't want to admit there was anything wrong. It was lonely and painful to experience it all alone. Once we opened up about it we found that there were friends and family members there. We had a support group of people to talk to, cry on, get us in contact with our amazing doctors and just have them tell is it will be ok. I think back to those lonely times where we were just trying to figure this whole mess out. How much better it is now to know that we have prayers sent our way and ears willing to listen. (I am sure some of you are tired of the infertility talk but you will never know how grateful we are to you! Thank you!)

* When we were quiet about our infertility I think about all of the others who felt they had to be quiet too. When we decided it was time to share more information it was amazing to find out how many others were struggling with the same thing. Through this trial we were able to help a few of our friends with sharing our doctor's information or just being their listening ear. Even though we have not been blessed with our little one a few of our friends have been able to get pregnant through our doctor's office. I am not writing this to pat ourselves on the back but to remind me that even though we are not pregnant there are others who have been blessed because we shared what information we could. Does that make sense, or do I just sound narcissistic?

* Through this trial I have realized that I am strong. I can do hard things. I still have my rough days, weeks, months even years. But somehow I am still standing, I am still getting up everyday, I am still here! Are there days where the darkness encompasses me and I just want to be done? Of course! Sometimes I am not sure how I get through but I know that I have loving friends and family and a loving Father in Heaven that are there to support me when I am weak.

* At times through this difficult season of my life I have felt so alone and like my Heavenly Father has forgotten about me or given up on me. But I am here to tell you that even when my shoulders feel the heaviest and I don't think I can go on, my Heavenly Father is still there. Even when I give up on Him he hasn't given up on me. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real! When I realize that my Savior has been where I am, He has felt what I am feeling and knows the pains in my heart, that gives me comfort, that gives me strength. How truly grateful I am to have a Heavenly Father who sent His only Son to experience the pains of this world and sacrifice His perfect life so that I can be forgiven of my sins. What hope it gives me to know that my brother, Jesus Christ, has felt all of my pain so I don't have to feel it alone. I don't share my testimony on this blog very often but I know that God is real and I know that is why I have been able to endure this trial for so long. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have that if life gets too hard and the pain gets too much, that even when I feel like God can't help me anymore, I can still get on my knees and pray, I can still ask for comfort and blessings and He listens. He is there to carry me.

Like I said before, Adam and I have been through our share of trials, just like so many others. But this trial of infertility has helped me realize that somehow and through the grace of God we will survive this and anything else that comes our way.  I always worry on posts like this because I do not want to come across as someone who is trying to make anyone else trials seem less than or inferior to mine. I believe that everyone is given different trials and difficulties through this life and we all handle them the best we can, because they are OUR trials they cannot be compared to anyone else, often times that is easier said then done. So to any of you that still read this know that you are strong, you are brave and you can make it through anything that is thrown your way! You are amazing! You are loved!

If you made it through this long post good job! I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and have a wonderful new year. 2015 here we come.......

We are hoping to post more stuff soon but in case you didn't see it before:

Click HERE for our Fundraising Blog

Monday, November 24, 2014

Did you miss me?

Do you remember when I used to blog? Yeah I am starting to forget what that looks like too.

I am not sure why this little blog has been put on the back burner but unfortunately it has.

We have been busy, but not busy, does that even make sense? It started with our new blog 2 Nicholes for a Baby (yes I did give it another little plug) If you haven't taken a look, please do. We are so excited and anxious to hopefully be ready to start our family soon. We would love for you to share our blog and our story.

Ok enough with our blog.

We had an awesome Halloween. I didn't get all of the decorations up and one of these years my house will be spooky like I always wanted. Adam's family spent Halloween at our house. We had pizza, trick or treated and watch Halloween movies while handing out candy to all of our cute neighbor kids. Can I just tell you Halloween is awesome when you are in Primary? All of those kids are so excited to know where their teachers and leaders live and I may have given them a little more candy :)

We haven't really had anything else exciting, just trying to get through life. On the 9th we had our Primary Program. I was in charge of writing it and let me tell you that consumed my nights for quite a few weeks. I ended up writing 172 parts! We have so many kids, but boy oh boy did they do a great job! So proud of all those cute kiddos. But I am so glad it is over, I can finally breath!

Now we are preparing for Thanksgiving and the Christmas season, which is fast approaching. I am gearing up for my Wednesday before Thanksgiving pie and roll baking. Did you know that if you stay up super late the night before Thanksgiving you can get a lot of black Friday deals online and have it shipped to the store for free? So not only will my house smell divine with the baking of rolls and pies, (and let's be honest lots of sampling, I have to make sure it all tastes good)  but I can get a jump start on shopping. Win! Win!

Other than that, things are fairly quiet at the Nicholes household. Just trying to stay busy and working on ways to fundraise money for our In-Vitro, if you have suggestions we welcome them for sure!

And because I feel like every post needs some sort of a picture, here is one of Adam and I at Cornbelly's back in October




Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Quick

Just wanted to post a quick update. I have talked a little bit about upcoming fundraisers and things that we are working on to try and raise money to help with our In Vitro. For those of you who do not follow me on Facebook or Instagram, our new blog is now up and running. Adam and I have set up a blog to introduce our new fundraiser and to have a place to keep everyone updated on our progress and any future fundraisers.

With all of that being said please visit 2nicholesforababy.blogspot.com. We would also love it if you would share our blog/gofundme with your family and friends.

I will continue to post on this blog but for fundraiser and updates on our In Vitro please visit our new blog.


Thank you to all of you who have been such an amazing support for us during the most difficult trial we have faced! We love each and every one of you. I know that we will someday have a baby in our arms and I know that we could never do any of this without our Heavenly Father, great family and amazing friends!

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Saturday in the Park

I have not been very good about posting lately but I would be very upset if I didn't share some of my feelings from last month.

For those of you who read this blog and follow me on Facebook you will know that a month ago, August 30th was a big day for Adam and I. It was the day that we were hoping we would be given a chance to start our family sooner, rather than later. It was the day of our 5K with Footsteps for Fertility.

I don't want to make you read to the end to know the results so I will just tell you, we did not win anything that day. No free rounds of IVF and no $5,000 grants. But I have so much emotion leading up to that day and of course the day of.

It was a beautiful, overcast day at Liberty Park. It was early (at least for me on a Saturday) We had to be at the park by 8:00am so we left Eagle Mountain around 6:45 and made great time. We arrived there at about 7:20.  I did not sleep well the night before. I was nervous, anxious and excited to see what the next day held. We showed up at the starting line with so many others while we waited for our team to arrive. I was blown away by how many people were there that day and how many groups were there for the same reason we were, to try, to start their family! Our team started showing up and I could feel the tears well up as I realized they were here to support us. (I kept it together pretty well at the beginning) We ended up having 15 people show up to run/walk with us!

It was a great walk/run and afterwards we waited with our team to hear the results. It was the longest drawing of my life but I knew that I was surrounded with so many people who loved and cared for us. Like I said above we did not win. I didn't think I would cry, but I did and honestly it felt so good. That is when our friends and family hugged us and gave us the words of encouragement we severely needed. That day I realized that it was ok for me to feel. Whether it was anger, sadness, hope, it didn't matter, this is our infertility journey and it is ok for me to have feelings. It is ok for me to share my thoughts on this little blog and it is ok if others do not understand or don't agree with me. We will survive! We have not given up. Stay tuned for more info on what we are going to do now.

Here are some pictures of that day but first I want to make sure I say THANK YOU! Thank you to everyone who signed up to walk/run or sleep-in. Thank you for reading my little blog and for following this journey with us. It is so much easier to carry a burden when you have others helping you along.








Thursday, August 14, 2014

Infertility...

I know that most of my post about infertility are depressing and angry but I wanted to share some feelings and upcoming things that are allowing me to feel a little more hope and just embrace my trial and look forward to the future.

We met with our fertility doctor (RE) back in July and even though the money aspect is terrifying, I felt hope and peace while talking about our options. We were given a 75 percent chance with the first IVF round and a 98 percent every cycle after that, unless there are unforeseen problems.  Our doctor's office is one of the most affordable for IVF in the state, which is great but it is still expensive. So we met with the financial advisor at the doctor's office and were given a few options for how to pay, since our insurance covers absolutely nothing.  I don't want to go into detail right now but I will one of these days. After talking it over, here are the choices Adam and I are left with in no particular order:

1- Financing- The doctor's office offers financing for our IVF. They offer low interest rates and we shouldn't have a problem to get approved. The reservation I have is I feel a little funny "paying off" our baby for the next 5 years, especially since this won't include all of the doctor bills( that hopefully insurance will help with)

2- Paying for multiple cycles upfront. This one is a little harder to explain. Basically we pay for 4 cycles up front, 2-Fresh cycles, 2-Frozen cycles. Because we are paying upfront we get about a 40 percent discount. This plan is kind of like an insurance plan. If we do all 4 cycles and do not leave the hospital with a baby in our arms we get 50 percent of our money back. We can do this plan along with financing. The only downfall is that if we get pregnant on the first cycle and it ends with a baby we do not get to use the other 3 cycles on a future date. But a lot of times it takes a time or two for IVF to work, so we will more than likely go with this option along with figuring out how to pay for it. The only down-fall to this option is that it only covers IVF. It does not cover meds, anesthesia, or the freezing of our eggs for future uses.

3- Save, Save, SAVE! We also have the option to try and save for all of this on our own. We are definitely putting a plan into action to try and save what we can, but it might take a while and I can feel my eggs drying up ;-)

4- Fundraising. This one has been a hard one for me. It is not because I am too proud to accept help. The biggest thing that I am struggling with for fundraising is thinking that I am burdening someone else with my trial for this life. I never want anyone to feel like they HAVE to help me. I know everyone has trials in this life and this one just happens to be ours and I don't want it to be a weight on anyone else. I wish that we had the money to pay for IVF out of our own pocket, but to be honest we don't at this time. With the encouragement from some our friends we are working on a few fundraising ideas that I want to share here. I can't express the gratitude and out-pouring of love and concern we have experienced from friends and family so far. So many people willing to help anyway they can. It brings me to tears almost daily. We have the best support team.

First, if any of you follow me on Facebook, we are building a team for a 5k at the end of August. This 5k is put on by Footsteps for Fertility. They will be doing a drawing at the end of the 5K for two free rounds of IVF and for as many $5,000 grants as possible It works like a raffle, every time someone signs up under our team name we get another ticket entered into the drawing for IVF or a grant. You can register to walk/run or sleep in for the 5K. The sleep-in option just means that you are registered under our team but you do not have to show up to the event.

Details:

Date: August 30th
Time: 8:00 am- 10:00 am
Place: Liberty Park
Team Name: 2 Nicholes for a Baby
Register here: http://www.active.com/salt-lake-city-ut/running/races/footsteps-for-fertility-5k-slc-2014
$5 off registration with code: UFC5OFF

If you would like to join our team to try and increase our odds we would be forever indebted to you. If you would like to share this with others who might like to join our team please spread the word. If you cannot join our team at this time, please don't feel bad, just wish us luck and keep us in your prayers and that will be more than enough.

At this time we are working with some of our friends to set up a puzzle campaign to try and raise money as well. If you don't know what a puzzle campaign is I will have more details coming in the future. We got the idea from some friends and other couples saving for adoption or IVF.

I am sorry this post is so long. I will go into more detail on our procedures and costs as soon as I have a grasp on it all.

I am excited, terrified and hopeful. Wish us luck!

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

The month of May

I was going to try and update from my last update post but nothing really happened and too much time has passed so I will just recap the last few months.

Before I jump into the big event from May we had a few changes in our church life...
Back in April our ward split. It was a sad day and is still an adjustment. We were moved to the new ward which meant that Adam was released from the Bishopric. It was a bittersweet moment for us and we will miss many of our friends from our old ward. So to keep from getting too wordy we both got new callings in our ward. Adam is now a Sunday school teacher for the 16 and 17 year olds. He loves his calling and gets to teach along with one of our good friends. Maybe I am bias but he is amazing at teaching! I was called as second counselor in the Primary Presidency. It is a crazy calling but I think I am finally finding my way. We have 220 kids from age 0-11 in our ward, needless to say Sunday's are a blur!

Onto May.

Nothing really happened the first part of the month but on May 24th we celebrated Adam's big 3-0! It worked out so well that we were able to celebrate his big birthday on his actual birthday. We had a mustache bash with lots of family, some friends that happened to stop by, mustaches and homemade Cafe Rio.I don't think I have ever cooked so much food in my life, not even on Thanksgiving! It was a blast and we all ate way too much. I don't have a whole lot to say so I will just share some of our favorite pictures from the day.


 Our nephew wasn't too sure about that mustache

 Nothing better than mustache cake

Pretty sure those are supposed to be above your lip! My dad is crazy. 
Good thing he doesn't read my blog or he may disown me for this picture.

Adam's mom made him a beautiful blanket

This seems to be the only picture that I am not laughing in, oh that mustache.

Happy Birthday Adam!




Monday, July 7, 2014

Infertility part 5?

I am sure you are all waiting at the edge of your seat to know where we are at in these lovely fertility treatments. I want to try and catch you up on our life someday but right now infertility IS our life. Some of this post won’t make sense or not mean anything to you but I feel like I need to be better about documenting this point in my life. I am going to tag any posts that deal with infertility so that you can choose to read them or not, don't worry I won't be offended. 

This one is a long one....

After 7 failed cycles of 50mg Clomid, HCG and Progesterone we now have to move on. Our options were IUI (artificial insemination) or  IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization). If you want to know more I have explanations linked.

We took about a year off from treatments to save money, decide what treatment to start with and just get emotionally ready.

We met with my doctor on April 15th to move on to our next treatments. We decided that we wanted to try a few IUIs before we possibly make the jump to IVF, mostly because the cost difference is crazy! Our doctor told us she would let us try 3 IUIs before she would have us move on to IVF. She felt that if it didn't work after 3 IUIs then she would just be wasting our money and would rather have us save up for IVF.

At our appointment we happened to be on the right cycle day so she gave us the green light to go ahead and start treatments that day! I was so excited, calm and just happy that everything seemed to be finally falling into place. I felt like this was our shot and it was our turn to finally be parents. I was put on 5mg Femara, 2 shots of Bravelle (FSH), HCG to trigger ovulation and that would be followed by an IUI.



The first IUI everything looked great! The medication worked, my body responded just how it should and Adam’s numbers looked great. I had only one good follicle that was not ready to ovulate and one that needed a little more time so I was given one more shot of Bravelle to help before our IUI.(It only takes one good follicle, but you have a better chance with multiple)

That two week wait was the longest wait yet! Unfortunately I started spotting the Friday before our test (of course it had to be on the same day as my sister in law's gender reveal party, so I probably wasn't much fun) and on Mother’s Day my period started, talk about cruel irony. First IUI was NEGATIVE.

 We decided to try and not let that get our hopes down because we still felt like this was the treatment we needed to be doing. We pressed on…

Second IUI in May went great again, but once more……NEGATIVE.

I started to feel discouraged but we knew we had one more shot, so on to IUI #3 we went. Everything was perfect once again. We left after our IUI for Vegas to get away and relax for a few days. Four days after my 29th birthday we received the results of our last and final IUI. How I wish I could tell you that it was good news but again our results were NEGATIVE.

We are devastated, angry, heart-broken and just so lost. My faith is shaken, my hope is gone and I don’t know what to do now.

We both felt so great about starting our IUIs and that this was the treatment that we needed in order to get a baby here to start our family, only to be met with disappointment.

I wanted to post about our lives and our infertility so many times before now and I have so many drafts sitting there waiting to be published. I honestly thought that if I didn’t talk about it we would magically get pregnant and that I wouldn’t jinx us anymore, obviously that did not work.

Now we are left with the options of IVF, adoption, or to accept the fact that we will never have children. We are meeting with the doctor tomorrow to talk about IVF. It is going to cost us about $12,000 a try.  We are not opposed to adoption but right now we are not to that point and now that LDSFS does not do adoption the cost will be outrageous.  

So emotionally and financially I am feeling like it is time for us to accept the fact that we will not be parents in this life time, even though my Patriarchal Blessing specifically talks about me being able to create bodies for the spirits that will come into our home. I am trying to stay hopeful and hold onto my faith but after 5 years, 1 miscarriage, 2 chemical pregnancies, lots of money, hormones, heartache and disappointment there isn't much else left to hold onto. Luckily I have honed my skills of looking and seeming happy when I am broken inside. I am not as strong as people seem to think.

Sorry for the depressing post but I am learning that infertility is devastating disease, yes it is a disease.
To all of you who have children please hug them a little tighter for me and don’t take them for granted. For those of you expecting children, please know that I am happy and excited for you but some days it is harder for me to show, but I truly am happy that you are able to have children without problems and I will love your children as much as I love you. I plan to have an update on our past few months and hopefully a better outlook on life in general, but the news of our last failed IUI is still fresh on my mind so please forgive me.







Monday, April 21, 2014

Infertility awareness



Today kicks off infertility awareness week again. I know that I have not updated in over six months and I plan on doing so,eventually, but I can't let this week pass by without hopefully raising awareness by sharing some of my feelings or thoughts about this infertility stuff. I understand if everyone is sick of reading about my infertility so feel free to skip over these posts, I promise you won't hurt my feelings. But if you know someone who has questions or needs some support, send them my way, I'm mostly an open book and I can at least put them in touch with some of my wonderful doctors. 

Infertility awareness week 2014 

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Life lately

This pictures has nothing to do with the post except that I am rocking a double chin, hello infertility drugs! I am really trying to lose the last 25 pounds but it is not going so well.  But Adam looks handsome as always. This was taken when we attended the Sunday morning session of General Conference.

Life has been a little crazy. I have not updated things here in a while.

Let's start with May. Adam was called as second counselor in the Bishopric for our ward. It was a whirlwind of crazy and I think we are finally getting used to things. He is doing a great job. We also celebrated his 29th birthday. Next year....30 folks!

June. Girl's Camp! It was a fantastic camp this year and we had a pretty good sized group. We went from 10 my first year to almost 20 for my third year. Camp was held up at Heber Valley Girl's Camp. Cabins, showers and running water, yep we are girls! I also celebrated my golden birthday on the 28th, which happened to be the day we returned from camp. So we didn't do anything exciting but I was happy to be home with my hubby.

July. Fireworks, barbecues and late summer nights under the stars. I think there most be a reason I love July so much!

August. Adam and I celebrated our 7th anniversary. I can't believe we have been married that long, I am old. Youth Conference was this month. It was exhausting but a great last hurrah with my YW. It was also really nice to have the hubby join the fun.

September. I was release as YW president at the beginning of September. I guess I can't have that big of a calling with Adam in the Bishopric. It was definitely bittersweet and I am still trying to make the adjustment. I love those girls so much but I know that they will be in good hands.

October. I love October! Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday.
- Candy                                                   
- Dressing up as someone else               
- Haunted Houses
- Halloween movies
- Decorating (I need to get this done) How are we half way through October and I don't have any decorations up?

Such a boring post but that is where we are at in life right now. I am just trying to get back in the mode of having free nights during the week to do what ever I want. Lately it has consisted of reading books, doing laundry, cleaning the house and working on my craft room.



Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Catch some Zzzz's

Would you look at this bed? Does this not make you want to just crawl in and take a long nap?

 or how about this one....


or this one..........


SLEEP!

Sleep makes me VERY happy! I went to bed last night at 10:00 like an old lady and now today....

I. am. exhausted! So for today Sleep will make me happy. Is it weird if I go to bed at 7:30 tonight?
 
              I would love for this to be today
 
but alas work is calling. If you are looking to do something with me tonight you are welcome to come over in your pajamas because I will be in mine.

Here's to catching some Zzzzz's tonight!
 
 

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Happy

Happiness.

Isn't that what we are all searching for?

Why aren't we happy?

Or why, when we are happy is it only for a brief glimpse and then we are back to where we started?

I know many people are happy and find joy in their daily life, but I have noticed that for most it is something we have to work so hard for, that we have to push ourselves just to find that small sliver that truly makes us happy.


I don't want to just try to find happiness anymore. I want to BE happy.

I am going to do my very best to find happiness and joy in my everyday journey. Is it going to hard? Of course! But I know it will make a huge impact in my life and maybe those around me. Plus anything worth having in life takes work.

I have been stuck in a slump lately. I have been sad. I have been depressed and I have been in a dark spot for a really long time. I want out!  There are things that I am sad about that I know won't just go away but maybe if I concentrate on the great things in my life they won't be as debilitating.
I know some of the things that are causing me turmoil are not going to just going to magically disappear and some of it may never go away but I am going to try my best to figure out better ways to cope than what I have been doing.

I am going to share some of the things that truly bring me happiness on this here blog and maybe, just maybe being able to continually reflect on those things will help me find the joy and light I crave so badly. Anyone want to join me? Silly or serious what makes you happy? Where do you find your joy and contentment?

If you post it on your blog let me know. I would love to read it!







Wednesday, August 7, 2013

This week

I had a hard time the last couple of days all because I happened to look at the calendar on Monday and realized what day it was.

August 5th will always be a hard day for me.

Two years ago on August 5th was when I had my miscarriage.

I know it sounds crazy for me to still feel sadness and anger two years later and especially because I wasn't very far along when it happened, but the pain is still there. Of course it is getting better with time. I just can't help think that we were pregnant at one time and what if that was our only chance to have a baby and my body betrayed me again? Does that make me sound crazy?


On a happier note Adam and I will be enjoying a four day weekend with each other to celebrate 7 years of wedded bliss!! I am so looking forward to the time we will have off together, even if we don't do anything major, just have that time just the two of us is enough for me.

Last weekend we were able to go with some of our best friends and head up to Jeremy Ranch for a couple days, it was just what we needed. Here are some pictures of the amazing house we had an opportunity to stay in, it was fantastic!

Theater Room


Main Family Room


Basement


Basement Family Room


One of the decks (beautiful view)


One of the bedrooms. (each bedroom had it's own bathroom)


                       
Loft (there were four twin beds, three bunk beds with full beds on the bottom)


More theater room


Adam on the deck
We spent most of our time eating way too much yummy food, shopping and watching movies. I would love to do it again.

That is just a brief update of the happenings in the Nicholes family. How's that for a random blog post.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Just because


Just because I am tired, I think I will go to Holiday and get a big fountain Coke (I might be addicted for the summer)

Just because I love my calling, I have put more hours and thought than I can count into Girl's Camp and now it is only a few days away. 4 days to be exact...eeek!

Just because I love my Young Women like my own daughters or maybe little sisters, I think about them all the time, I worry about them, pray for them and cry for/with them. Best group of girls ever!

Just because the air conditioner either works too well or not at all in my office, I keep a sweatshirt on hands at all times. Right now it is working too well so on with the hoodie!

Just because I love that man of mine, I bought him cake bites from Sweet Tooth Fairy last night, but he will only eat the Fairyfetti ones....boring!

Just because I might love the show, I am going home to watch my DVR episodes Pretty Little Liars season 4 since I just finished season 3. Talk about a guilty pleasure.

Just because I want children so badly, I will find a way to afford our next step at the doctor's and try to keep my faith.

Just because we are moving to a new office building in two weeks, I am going to clean up my desk...... maybe

Just because I have too many items pinned on Pinterest, I am going to try to find time for a girls craft night or at least try to make time to complete a project or try a new recipe

Just because we all need a good laugh and I probably should go on a diet....


 
 
Just because I believe in balance, some inspiration.....

Just because I don't know what else to say I am going to end it here. 

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Books

Today is not a good day so I am going to share a post that I have had sitting in my drafts so that I can post something happy.........   


Can I just tell you how much I Love bookstores?! I did work in one for almost 5 years but working in one and shopping in one, it is not quite the same. I could probably spend a whole day (full 24 hours) just browsing and buying book after book. I love walking into bookstores and smelling all of those new books mixed with the aroma of coffee, it is one of the most fantastically (is that a word?) wonderful things to me. I adore picture books and even at 28 I can still spend hours flipping through and reading them. If I had the room I would probably have a few bookcases just devoted to picture books.
       Growing up I wasn't much of a reader but when I found a book I loved I would devour it, reading as quickly as I could to find out what happened next. I did however, love going to the library and being able to have my own library card that allowed me to check out any book I wanted.
            I didn't always care for the books we had to read in Elementary school but to this day I still love "Mr. Popper's Penguins," "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," "Mrs. Piggle Wiggle,"
 "Wayside school" (both books), "Number the Stars", "Holes," "The Giver," and the list goes on and on. All of those are from my elementary school days, maybe it was because I had some awesome teachers when we read those specific books.  
In junior high my love of books really started to grow. We read "To Kill a Mockingbird"
in one of my English classes and to this day it is still one of my favorite books to read over and over. “Miss Jean Louise, stand up. Your father's passin'," still gets me all choked up. I will admit some books we read in school were highly disappointing but some of the classics are ones I actually enjoyed. Othello, The Importance of Being Earnest, The Great Gatsby, etc, etc.
      The thing about me and books is that I love the look of hardbound books but when it comes right down to it I would rather have a paperback book that is a little tattered and worn from being well loved and used. I know some people like to keep their books in pristine condition but to me a worn book is an enjoyed book. My paperback books are always creased on my favorite parts or marked up from what ever English class I had to read it in, the spine might be wearing down from being thrown in a bag just in case I might need to read it where ever I am. I love LOVE sales at libraries (I haven't been to one in a while), because I love the thought that a worn out book that I am buying was loved and read by so many people. Someday I suppose I should replace some of my books but I don't think I will ever get rid of those that are falling apart with taped spines, that show they have been put to good use, too many memories. I have a long list of books that I still need to buy for my collection and some that need to be replaced but all that means is another trip to the book store and maybe a bigger bookshelf.....



 

Monday, April 29, 2013

Thank you!

Can I just say wow?! I knew Adam and I had great friends and family but wow!
I just wanted to take a minute to give all of you that have read this little blog the last week, a BIG HUGE THANK YOU!

When I decided to post for a whole week about infertility I never expected the response we received. I initially wanted to post an update to those that read my blog about where we are at in our treatment. I also wanted to share some thoughts and feelings to help any of those who might be struggling with their own infertility. I wasn't sure what else to share but then I had the thought, why not share a husband's perspective? Boy, am I sure glad I did! I wasn't sure if Adam would want to share or if he would think I was being silly, but I sure love that man of mine! Who better to share experience from the guy's point of view then my own husband who has been there for the past 3 1/2 years figuring out this infertility thing with me?

I am just so grateful for all of the loving and supportive comments that we received. I didn't know what to expect from this last week. To be honest I figured that no one would really read or even comment on anything but I knew that it was important for me to share. I wanted to tell all of you that my strength is renewed, because of you! I still don't know when we will start treatments again but I know that we will figure it out somehow and that we will have the love and support we need along the way. I can't promise you that my posts will all be cheerful and hopeful when it comes to our infertility but they will be honest and heartfelt.

I had another post lined up for Infertility Awareness week but I decided not to post it and will probably save it for another day because how can I follow up such a great post from Adam?

This post is all over the place but I just wanted to make sure I got on here and told you all how much Adam and I love and appreciate the kind words and prayers on our behalf. You have been in my prayers and will continue to be.

I also want to add how important I think it is to not feel like infertility is a taboo thing. It is a sickness, a real thing that I think needs to be discussed. Of course some people aren't comfortable sharing those thing with anyone but close family and friends and that's ok. Just know if you are going through infertility, things are a lot better when you find someone to talk and share with. When we first started on this journey I wasn't sure what I wanted to share but after talking to different people it was comforting for me to know that I was definitely not alone in this struggle. So here we are 3 1/2 years later and I am glad that I decided to share and will continue to share our experiences.

Thank you again!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Infertility Awareness: A Husband's Perspective





I hope that you have found everything that I posted so far this week helpful, insightful or at least a little interesting. For today I am going to do something a little different. I asked the hubby to write a little bit about how our infertility affects him or his thoughts and feelings. Everything below is his thoughts and feelings. He is the best so show him some comment love!!
I once told a group of friends that infertility is like gambling, you throw all this money at the problem in hopes to hit the all mighty JACKPOT! “May the odds be ever in your favor ” as Effie Trinket would say.

       My name is Adam, and my wife asked me to write about my perspective with infertility. So here we go.

One thing is for sure I know way too much about the women’s anatomy than I ever cared to know about. What happen to, this is first base, these are second base, and this is third base? Put them together and what do you get? Home run baby! Now it’s just……….. Complicated. Coitus or “intercourse” as the Doc says, is scheduled, timed, every other day, and sometimes twice a day. Never thought I’d ever complain about twice a day. It cracks me up how my friends say how lucky I am. Yeah but at this point I feel more like a milking cow rather than a man getting some sweet, sweet, loving. Grrrrrrrrrr.

I have to laugh, Who ever thought I’d see the day were I be keeping track of my wife’s monthly cycle. Ha! Man if I only I could go back to the days of when my Xbox became my new best friend for 5 to 7 days once a month. Now its, have you started? You’re late, I know it. Take a test! My poor wife, how she puts up with it I will never know. Treatments are a hard part for me, watching my wife pump herself full of hormones. Running for the hills when she has a mood swing, most of the ladies I talk to about it just say, “ At least you’ll know how she will be pregnant “. Yeah but at least there is a baby involved, this is just hormone over load with nothing to look forward to.

The truest and hardest part of this whole thing is the dreaded phone call after going in to have blood work done to see if treatments worked.

We arrive 8:15 my wife hops out of the car, as I say a pray in my heart, “ please God let this be our day “ I sit in the waiting room as she is in the back, my hands are clammy, cold. Another couple sits next me, I wonder how far they are into their treatments, or is this their first time? The TV on the wall has Plant Earth on the screen; I swear it’s the same disc every time I come in, and why is it always the mating seen playing?

She exits from the back and takes my hand giving it a hard squeeze, her arm is wrapped in pink, with a cotton ball over the punctured area, we exit the building. I help her in the car then take my place at the wheel; the ride is quiet as we head to work we dare not speak. I arrive at work first, we embrace, say our goodbye and I watch her drive away. Hope is on her face, I see it as she leaves, I wish I could say the same for me.

The time creeps bye, damn the clock! I swear its ticking back wards.  I wait, I pray, I hope. When will they call with the results? Ding! My phone has a text, dang just a friend. Then it rings, it’s my wife, my heart stops. I answer “Hi honey” the words barely leave my lips………….. “Its negative” the words ring through my ears… “I’m sorry honey, I’m sorry”. “ Maybe next time,” she says. “Are you ok “? I ask. “I’ll be ok” silence follows “ I love you “ I love you too” click.

I curse God, ask forgiveness from him, and then plead with him. The day cannot end soon enough. My wife arrives to pick me up; her tear-stained cheeks speak a thousand words. The car ride home is quiet, bits of chatter of maybe next time, and if we put this much money aside we should be able to try again. Night comes but there is no rest, another attempt to bring the gift of life to the world and our family ,gone.

To all the men who go through this, remember you are your wife’s rock!

Their firm foundation, it is hard but it is harder for them, and you and I need to be the support in these times. Our wives hold the greatest gift of all, to bring new life into this world and to become a mother. Nobody understands this better than God and her.

            To my wife and all the women who are going through this, stay strong, stay positive, and don’t give up on yourself. You are something special, someone who truly cares, you are someone worth fighting for.

           

I hope this helps those who read it.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Infertility Awareness: Etiquette




I found this wonderful article at Dreaming of Dimples. To me this list sums up my feelings pretty well. It is a little long so if anything please read the bold headers to get a good idea. None of my posts are meant to offend or upset anyone so I hope you will read everything I post with an open heart.

If you know someone who is struggling with infertility, please read the very important information below (via RESOLVE) to learn what not to say and how to best support your friend or family member during this difficult time. To make this more digestible, I've included the most helpful tips (in my humble opinion).

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time. 

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

  • They will eventually conceive a baby.
  • They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
  • They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster
    parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous insemination's, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child. 

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job? 

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen. 

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

 Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.


I have not experienced all of these but I have experienced many of them. Know that if you have said any of these things to people in your life experiencing infertility, it's ok just hug, them, love them and try to be the support they need. I am sure I am even guilty of making comments to people before I started my infertility journey and if that was any of you I am sorry.