Infertility part 5?

I am sure you are all waiting at the edge of your seat to know where we are at in these lovely fertility treatments. I want to try and catch you up on our life someday but right now infertility IS our life. Some of this post won’t make sense or not mean anything to you but I feel like I need to be better about documenting this point in my life. I am going to tag any posts that deal with infertility so that you can choose to read them or not, don't worry I won't be offended. 

This one is a long one....

After 7 failed cycles of 50mg Clomid, HCG and Progesterone we now have to move on. Our options were IUI (artificial insemination) or  IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization). If you want to know more I have explanations linked.

We took about a year off from treatments to save money, decide what treatment to start with and just get emotionally ready.

We met with my doctor on April 15^th to move on to our next treatments. We decided that we wanted to try a few IUIs before we possibly make the jump to IVF, mostly because the cost difference is crazy! Our doctor told us she would let us try 3 IUIs before she would have us move on to IVF. She felt that if it didn't work after 3 IUIs then she would just be wasting our money and would rather have us save up for IVF.

At our appointment we happened to be on the right cycle day so she gave us the green light to go ahead and start treatments that day! I was so excited, calm and just happy that everything seemed to be finally falling into place. I felt like this was our shot and it was our turn to finally be parents. I was put on 5mg Femara, 2 shots of Bravelle (FSH), HCG to trigger ovulation and that would be followed by an IUI.

The first IUI everything looked great! The medication worked, my body responded just how it should and Adam’s numbers looked great. I had only one good follicle that was not ready to ovulate and one that needed a little more time so I was given one more shot of Bravelle to help before our IUI.(It only takes one good follicle, but you have a better chance with multiple)

That two week wait was the longest wait yet! Unfortunately I started spotting the Friday before our test (of course it had to be on the same day as my sister in law's gender reveal party, so I probably wasn't much fun) and on Mother’s Day my period started, talk about cruel irony. First IUI was NEGATIVE.

 We decided to try and not let that get our hopes down because we still felt like this was the treatment we needed to be doing. We pressed on…

Second IUI in May went great again, but once more……NEGATIVE.

I started to feel discouraged but we knew we had one more shot, so on to IUI #3 we went. Everything was perfect once again. We left after our IUI for Vegas to get away and relax for a few days. Four days after my 29^th birthday we received the results of our last and final IUI. How I wish I could tell you that it was good news but again our results were NEGATIVE.

We are devastated, angry, heart-broken and just so lost. My faith is shaken, my hope is gone and I don’t know what to do now.

We both felt so great about starting our IUIs and that this was the treatment that we needed in order to get a baby here to start our family, only to be met with disappointment.

I wanted to post about our lives and our infertility so many times before now and I have so many drafts sitting there waiting to be published. I honestly thought that if I didn’t talk about it we would magically get pregnant and that I wouldn’t jinx us anymore, obviously that did not work.

Now we are left with the options of IVF, adoption, or to accept the fact that we will never have children. We are meeting with the doctor tomorrow to talk about IVF. It is going to cost us about $12,000 a try.  We are not opposed to adoption but right now we are not to that point and now that LDSFS does not do adoption the cost will be outrageous.  

So emotionally and financially I am feeling like it is time for us to accept the fact that we will not be parents in this life time, even though my Patriarchal Blessing specifically talks about me being able to create bodies for the spirits that will come into our home. I am trying to stay hopeful and hold onto my faith but after 5 years, 1 miscarriage, 2 chemical pregnancies, lots of money, hormones, heartache and disappointment there isn't much else left to hold onto. Luckily I have honed my skills of looking and seeming happy when I am broken inside. I am not as strong as people seem to think.

Sorry for the depressing post but I am learning that infertility is devastating disease, yes it is a disease.

To all of you who have children please hug them a little tighter for me and don’t take them for granted. For those of you expecting children, please know that I am happy and excited for you but some days it is harder for me to show, but I truly am happy that you are able to have children without problems and I will love your children as much as I love you. I plan to have an update on our past few months and hopefully a better outlook on life in general, but the news of our last failed IUI is still fresh on my mind so please forgive me.

Infertility awareness

Today kicks off infertility awareness week again. I know that I have not updated in over six months and I plan on doing so,eventually, but I can't let this week pass by without hopefully raising awareness by sharing some of my feelings or thoughts about this infertility stuff. I understand if everyone is sick of reading about my infertility so feel free to skip over these posts, I promise you won't hurt my feelings. But if you know someone who has questions or needs some support, send them my way, I'm mostly an open book and I can at least put them in touch with some of my wonderful doctors. 

Infertility awareness week 2014 

Life lately

This pictures has nothing to do with the post except that I am rocking a double chin, hello infertility drugs! I am really trying to lose the last 25 pounds but it is not going so well.  But Adam looks handsome as always. This was taken when we attended the Sunday morning session of General Conference.

Life has been a little crazy. I have not updated things here in a while.

Let's start with May. Adam was called as second counselor in the Bishopric for our ward. It was a whirlwind of crazy and I think we are finally getting used to things. He is doing a great job. We also celebrated his 29th birthday. Next year....30 folks!

June. Girl's Camp! It was a fantastic camp this year and we had a pretty good sized group. We went from 10 my first year to almost 20 for my third year. Camp was held up at Heber Valley Girl's Camp. Cabins, showers and running water, yep we are girls! I also celebrated my golden birthday on the 28th, which happened to be the day we returned from camp. So we didn't do anything exciting but I was happy to be home with my hubby.

July. Fireworks, barbecues and late summer nights under the stars. I think there most be a reason I love July so much!

August. Adam and I celebrated our 7th anniversary. I can't believe we have been married that long, I am old. Youth Conference was this month. It was exhausting but a great last hurrah with my YW. It was also really nice to have the hubby join the fun.

September. I was release as YW president at the beginning of September. I guess I can't have that big of a calling with Adam in the Bishopric. It was definitely bittersweet and I am still trying to make the adjustment. I love those girls so much but I know that they will be in good hands.

October. I love October! Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday.
- Candy                                                   
- Dressing up as someone else               
- Haunted Houses
- Halloween movies
- Decorating (I need to get this done) How are we half way through October and I don't have any decorations up?

Such a boring post but that is where we are at in life right now. I am just trying to get back in the mode of having free nights during the week to do what ever I want. Lately it has consisted of reading books, doing laundry, cleaning the house and working on my craft room.

Catch some Zzzz's

Would you look at this bed? Does this not make you want to just crawl in and take a long nap?

 or how about this one....

or this one..........

SLEEP!

Sleep makes me VERY happy! I went to bed last night at 10:00 like an old lady and now today....

I. am. exhausted! So for today Sleep will make me happy. Is it weird if I go to bed at 7:30 tonight?

 

              I would love for this to be today

 

but alas work is calling. If you are looking to do something with me tonight you are welcome to come over in your pajamas because I will be in mine.

Here's to catching some Zzzzz's tonight!

 

 

Happy

Happiness.

Isn't that what we are all searching for?

Why aren't we happy?

Or why, when we are happy is it only for a brief glimpse and then we are back to where we started?

I know many people are happy and find joy in their daily life, but I have noticed that for most it is something we have to work so hard for, that we have to push ourselves just to find that small sliver that truly makes us happy.

I don't want to just try to find happiness anymore. I want to BE happy.

I am going to do my very best to find happiness and joy in my everyday journey. Is it going to hard? Of course! But I know it will make a huge impact in my life and maybe those around me. Plus anything worth having in life takes work.

I have been stuck in a slump lately. I have been sad. I have been depressed and I have been in a dark spot for a really long time. I want out!  There are things that I am sad about that I know won't just go away but maybe if I concentrate on the great things in my life they won't be as debilitating.
I know some of the things that are causing me turmoil are not going to just going to magically disappear and some of it may never go away but I am going to try my best to figure out better ways to cope than what I have been doing.

I am going to share some of the things that truly bring me happiness on this here blog and maybe, just maybe being able to continually reflect on those things will help me find the joy and light I crave so badly. Anyone want to join me? Silly or serious what makes you happy? Where do you find your joy and contentment?

If you post it on your blog let me know. I would love to read it!

This week

I had a hard time the last couple of days all because I happened to look at the calendar on Monday and realized what day it was.

August 5th will always be a hard day for me.

Two years ago on August 5th was when I had my miscarriage.

I know it sounds crazy for me to still feel sadness and anger two years later and especially because I wasn't very far along when it happened, but the pain is still there. Of course it is getting better with time. I just can't help think that we were pregnant at one time and what if that was our only chance to have a baby and my body betrayed me again? Does that make me sound crazy?


On a happier note Adam and I will be enjoying a four day weekend with each other to celebrate 7 years of wedded bliss!! I am so looking forward to the time we will have off together, even if we don't do anything major, just have that time just the two of us is enough for me.

Last weekend we were able to go with some of our best friends and head up to Jeremy Ranch for a couple days, it was just what we needed. Here are some pictures of the amazing house we had an opportunity to stay in, it was fantastic!

Theater Room



Main Family Room



Basement



Basement Family Room



One of the decks (beautiful view)



One of the bedrooms. (each bedroom had it's own bathroom)



                       

Loft (there were four twin beds, three bunk beds with full beds on the bottom)



More theater room



Adam on the deck

We spent most of our time eating way too much yummy food, shopping and watching movies. I would love to do it again.

That is just a brief update of the happenings in the Nicholes family. How's that for a random blog post.

Just because

Just because I am tired, I think I will go to Holiday and get a big fountain Coke (I might be addicted for the summer)

Just because I love my calling, I have put more hours and thought than I can count into Girl's Camp and now it is only a few days away. 4 days to be exact...eeek!

Just because I love my Young Women like my own daughters or maybe little sisters, I think about them all the time, I worry about them, pray for them and cry for/with them. Best group of girls ever!

Just because the air conditioner either works too well or not at all in my office, I keep a sweatshirt on hands at all times. Right now it is working too well so on with the hoodie!

Just because I love that man of mine, I bought him cake bites from Sweet Tooth Fairy last night, but he will only eat the Fairyfetti ones....boring!

Just because I might love the show, I am going home to watch my DVR episodes Pretty Little Liars season 4 since I just finished season 3. Talk about a guilty pleasure.

Just because I want children so badly, I will find a way to afford our next step at the doctor's and try to keep my faith.

Just because we are moving to a new office building in two weeks, I am going to clean up my desk...... maybe

Just because I have too many items pinned on Pinterest, I am going to try to find time for a girls craft night or at least try to make time to complete a project or try a new recipe

Just because we all need a good laugh and I probably should go on a diet....

 

 

Just because I believe in balance, some inspiration.....



Just because I don't know what else to say I am going to end it here.