My Struggle

I have really debated posting this, but this is a blog about my life which includes the ups and the downs.          
So this past month makes month 17 of trying, unsuccessfully, to add to our family.
This post may not be too happy or even very rational and maybe TMI so I apologize in advance.Also I wanted to let everyone know that I do not mean to offend anyone or ask for pity. I honestly just needed to get this all out because I think the hubby is tired of me talking about it and I seem to be able to say things better when they are written down.

I took my first round of Clomid in April and I was really hopefully that it was all I needed to get things going and hopefully be able to make that big announcement to all of our family and friends that after 16 months of trying and almost 5 years of marriage Adam and I would be adding to our family. But instead this week I found out that we can now add this as month 17 with out any success. I hate the way I am feeling. I start to wonder if it is all my fault? Did we wait too long to start trying for a baby of our own? Maybe we should have started right after we got married, I will tell you if I knew it would be this hard and take this long we would have. Maybe the Lord is punishing me for being jealous and angry when those around me got pregnant? Maybe the Lord is trying to teach me compassion or humble me? Maybe I have hardened my heart and now I need to find a way to change? Maybe I am missing something that we need to be doing? Maybe I am just broken? Maybe we aren't meant to have children, maybe it is the Lord's way of telling us we wouldn't be good parents? Maybe the fact that I will probably have to go back to work after having a baby makes me unfit to be a mom? I pray for strength that every time my "monthly visitor" shows up I might be able to not feel so upset, angry or alone but every time that horrible day shows up I am all of the above. You would think that after 17 months I would be used to it. When people say that fertility problems make you feel every emotion out there they aren't kidding. My sister and a few of my close friends went through or are going through their times of infertility and they give me hope. So thank you! I know that 17 months is not a long time to some to be trying but when you weren't expecting any problems and that things would go smoothly it is a LIFETIME. Now Mother's Day is coming up this weekend and I am kind of dreading it. Please don't get me wrong, I love the Mother's in my life and I am thankful for my mom and everything she has done for me but to have to go to church and hear them talk about mothers and how it is the best thing that ever happened to them is giving me some anxiety. I don't know if I will be able to hold it together. Our ward is different than any ward I have ever been in, there are A LOT of kids (think at least 2 nursery's and before we split there were 5) and A LOT of pregnant women, this makes it hard sometimes to pay attention to what is being said at church instead of looking at the other families and wondering why we don't have children yet. Some days, like today, it takes everything in me to keep from crying at everything, other days I don't feel anything. I think I do a pretty good job of keeping my composure, but honestly I am struggling a lot lately. I am at a loss. I am going to start my next round of Clomid this month and try to keep my faith and hope up. I feel awful when I get upset because someone else I know is pregnant or just had a baby, because honestly I am happy for them, it is just hard because I wish it was me. I feel like a failure because I know that Adam would make such a good daddy and I wish I could at least give him a chance to be one, but I can't even do that. I apologize for the length of this post and I hope I didn't upset anyone or offend anyone. I am going to keep praying, keep going to the temple and try to keep my faith in the Lord that he knows what he is doing and what is best for us.

If you made it through that thank you for reading. I will be back to the more upbeat and hopefully more interesting posts in the next day or two.