My Struggle continued....

Today is a hard day I am not sure why but it is. I have debated on posting this for a few weeks, it is a little personal plus a little TMI.

I had mentioned a few weeks ago about a struggle that Adam and I had faced but I didn't say exactly what it was. If you haven't already guessed I will share with you.

It was Monday August 1st and I was getting ready to leave for Girl's Camp. I had been feeling a little off and I wondered if maybe this month could be our month. After 19 months of trying could we finally be pregnant? I couldn't wait until after Girl's Camp so I ran to Walmart early that morning. I made Adam wait in the bathroom with me during the longest 3 minutes of my life. I could not believe it, but it said pregnant! Really truly we were pregnant!! Adam cried (don't tell him I shared that) I cried and then I remember that I was leaving for Girl's camp in a few short minutes. :-(
I took a couple tests up to Girl's camp with me because I just couldn't believe it and I wanted to make sure I was still pregnant. I took it easy up at camp and took a test on Thursday while I was up there... still pregnant.
I came home on Friday and Adam had me take another test just for our piece of mind. It was still positive and we were on cloud 9. I could not believe we were finally going to be parents and be adding to our family. I called and made an appointment with my doctor for September, it was finally feeling real. We spent that night talking about what our baby would look like and how and when we wanted to tell our families. It was an amazing feeling.

Then early Saturday morning I woke up all of a sudden and something told me I something was wrong. All I remember is all of the bright red blood(sorry TMI) I just started crying and knew exactly what was happening. It is all little blurry but I ran into the bedroom and woke Adam up and told him I needed a blessing. He of course jumped out of bed because it was early and his wife was standing there crying. I told him there was a lot of blood and I think that I was having a miscarriage. I don't remember much from the blessing but I remember that it gave me such peace and comfort and as upset as I was at that moment and upset at what was happening I knew that we would make it through. Everything after that is a blur I remember trying to go back to sleep and thinking what did I do wrong? How could I have stopped this? We had only known for 5 days that we were pregnant and we didn't even get a chance to celebrate yet, why was this happening? We have some awesome friends that knew what had happened so they tried to get us out of the house to get our minds off of things. It helped but my mind always came back to the fact that there was no longer a baby growing strong and healthy inside me. We called our moms that night because sometimes you just need mom. We have an awesome support system and I have no doubt that we were in a lot of prayers that night.

I know that a lot of women have miscarriages and a lot have them as early as we did (almost 6 weeks) but it is still one of the hardest things we have ever had to deal with. At least we know now that my body knows what it should be doing and that I can get pregnant. I was an emotional, blubbering mess for a few days, every day got a little easier. It still hurts sometimes but I guess that it has only been a month so I assume that it's normal? I am just trying to stay close to my Heavenly Father and my husband and have faith that when it is supposed to happen we will be blessed with the most perfect, wonderful baby for our family. I am excited for friends and family that have their beautiful healthy babies but it is hard right now to be to happy because it makes me want my own baby. It makes me wonder when our turn will come and I feel that ache to hold our own baby in my arms even more now.

I know that my Father in Heaven has a plan for us and I know that this experience has brought Adam and I closer together. We celebrated our 5 year anniversary not even a week after our miscarriage and I love him more today than the day we said "I Do." Here's to month 21 and maybe we will have some good news to share with all of you someday.

Wow that was a long post, sorry about that.