Today I am sad. It's the end of the road again. I don't know what to do now. Do we keep throwing money at this and hope for a miracle or do we take a break, pay things off and start all over, which means it will probably take even longer. We are running out of money and I am running out of strength.
Last month I told myself it's ok just pick yourself up because you can do hard things! Next month will be the month. You can make it through this. Now, I am not so sure.
Maybe I should have tried to be more positive, maybe I need to speak kinder about those around me, maybe I am not worthy to have one of God's precious spirits in our home, maybe this whole baby thing isn't meant for us.
So here I was today, hopeful, anxious, waiting. Waiting for the call on my blood test where they tell me once again that we are not pregnant. "Your test came up NEGATIVE, I'm so sorry Jennifer." Waiting to hear that my body failed. I'm waiting for a miracle, I'm waiting for the pain and heartbreak to go away, but it never does. I feel like I am waiting for the impossible and that makes me feel like a fool. What can we do but wait? "Faith in the Lord means faith in his timing." I thought I had faith but I am starting to feel my faith waver. When is it going to be our turn?
You know what really sucks!? We were supposed to have a baby this month, but instead my body failed and I miscarried that baby last August. I know I shouldn't dwell and what's done is done but I don't know how much more I can handle.
I want so badly to go back to normal. Normal now is Period, Ultrasound, 50 mg of Clomid for days 3-7, Estrace, another ultrasound, HCG trigger shot, 2 weeks of waiting. All of this for someone to call and tell me it didn't work again. Then we start over.
The doctor wanted to try for 4-6 months and then we will reevaluate. I sure hope a miracle happens in the next 1-2 months because we can't afford the other options.
I don't want to give up because who knows how long it will take if we stop now. If we stop it will take longer for the medicine to build up again and that means even more months of heart ache and disappointment.
What do we do now?
I'm sorry for the disappointing post lately but this is my emotionally state lately.
You know what this week is Infertility Awareness week and how ironic that this week would once again make me very aware of my infertility.
I'm literally crying with/for you and Adam. We love you. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteOh, sweetie. I know that you've been told this before, but I'll tell you again. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. The Lord isn't withholding a baby from you because you're not worthy. He's getting you ready for something spectacular. I have friends who have had fertility issues and so many of them say that when they are tired and frustrated with their kids, they can look at them and say "I worked HARD to get this little one here. I can handle this because I loved them THAT much before they were even born." You will be an amazing mother when the time comes. Until then, try to remember that the Lord puts you through these trials to make you stronger and to refine us. You'll be a better mother because of how hard you worked to get your little one here and you'll be able to understand a little bit more how much Heavenly Father must love you and how hard it is for HIM to watch you go through this too. He loves you more than you or I can possibly know. I see how much I love my children and how it hurts for me to see them hurting. He loves you more and it's harder for Him than it could possibly be for me. He's not punishing you. Remember that He loves you and that this is hard for Him too. Good luck. You can do this. It's hard but you are stronger than you've ever been before because of this and you'll keep getting stronger if that's what you have to do.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with Shandra's comment. You are MOST DEFINITELY deserving of one of God's children. It's so hard to understand why some of us have to go through certain trials. I'm so so sorry that you're dealing with this one. My prayers are still with you. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches knowing that your going through this Jen. I wish there was something I can do for you. I do know one thing though. You are strong, confident, beautiful and amazing. Just remember that god would not give us these trials if he didn't know that we didn't have one hundred percent faith in him. So in a way you have so much faith in him that he knows that you can handle this. It's extremely hard to accept what the lord has planned for us, but I know that you have such an amazing strength. I've always looked up to you ever since I met you. I have faith in you and I know your friends and other family do too. Let us help carry your faith for you. And whenever you get feeling down or depressed, look into those bad thoughts that Satan has put in your head and say do your worst because I will do mine! Hold your head up high and be the strong person that I know you are. YOU WILL HAVE A BABY. That is something that I have not wavered in. We love you and I have always had you in my prayers.
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