Catching Up

I just wanted to check in with anyone who still reads this :) I am sorry for the lack of posts lately.

This has been a crazy couple of months!! My time has been filled with:

Girls's Camp,Work, Birthdays, Girl's Camp, Youth Conference, Other church obligations, Girl's Camp, Swimming and did I mention Girl's Camp?

Today and tomorrow are super busy at work, boo month end! I am hoping to be able to post and get caught up on life this week sometime.

See you in a few days!

No title

Things have been a little depressing around here lately and that is not cool.

Thank you for all of the love and support on my last post. The day I take my pregnancy test is usually the worst and then I am ok. I would have deleted that post but that was how I was feeling that day, true and honest emotion. Someday when my kids are crying and I feel like I can't do it anymore I will look back on these posts and remember all of the pain and heartache that we experienced to get our little miracle(s) here and realize how grateful I am for everyday with my kids even when they are driving me crazy! I am feeling back to "normal" with the addition of fertility medication, but if that is my new normal for a while then so be it. We are on cycle number 3 this month and I am feeling very hopeful and trying to think positively so wish us luck.

Ok enough fertility talk. What have we been up to?

*  I am still super busy with Young Women's. We are trying to plan Girl's Camp right now which has occupied a lot of my time, but I think we are going to have an amazing four days with our girls so it will be worth it.
*  I am in a new position at work that I started this month. I am now in our Suspense department. I won't go into details but so far I like it a lot and I don't get quite as much anxiety as I used to in funding so that is a nice change.
*  Hubby is still keeping busy with his calling as 1st counselor in the Sunday school presidency. He does a great job at his calling and serves with some amazing people
*  Adam is still at his same job, he is great at it but I know he is ready for a change. We have talked about him going back to school and I think that is where he is headed this fall, we are excited!

The last few weekends have been fun and relaxing and I am grateful for the warm weather to come. Plus one of my favorite holidays is on it's way, the 4th of July! I could probably do a whole post on the 4th, which I may.

We have been busy painting, planting flowers, going to movies and just spending some great time together. I am hoping that we can get these doctor bills paid off and maybe take a vacation because we haven't had one in so long and it is desperately needed.

This is kind of a random post but I am kind of a random person so it all makes sense. 

Infertility BOO!

Today I am sad. It's the end of the road again. I don't know what to do now. Do we keep throwing money at this and hope for a miracle or do we take a break, pay things off and start all over, which means it will probably take even longer. We are running out of money and I am running out of strength.
Last month I told myself it's ok just pick yourself up because you can do hard things! Next month will be the month. You can make it through this. Now, I am not so sure.
Maybe I should have tried to be more positive, maybe I need to speak kinder about those around me, maybe I am not worthy to have one of God's precious spirits in our home, maybe this whole baby thing isn't meant for us.
So here I was today, hopeful, anxious, waiting. Waiting for the call on my blood test where they tell me once again that we are not pregnant. "Your test came up NEGATIVE, I'm so sorry Jennifer." Waiting to hear that my body failed. I'm waiting for a miracle, I'm waiting for the pain and heartbreak to go away, but it never does. I feel like I am waiting for the impossible and that makes me feel like a fool. What can we do but wait? "Faith in the Lord means faith in his timing." I thought I had faith but I am starting to feel my faith waver. When is it going to be our turn?
You know what really sucks!? We were supposed to have a baby this month, but instead my body failed and I miscarried that baby last August. I know I shouldn't dwell and what's done is done but I don't know how much more I can handle.
I want so badly to go back to normal. Normal now is Period, Ultrasound, 50 mg of Clomid for days 3-7, Estrace, another ultrasound, HCG trigger shot, 2 weeks of waiting. All of this for someone to call and tell me it didn't work again. Then we start over.
The doctor wanted to try for 4-6 months and then we will reevaluate. I sure hope a miracle happens in the next 1-2 months because we can't afford the other options.
I don't want to give up because who knows how long it will take if we stop now. If we stop it will take longer for the medicine to build up again and that means even more months of heart ache and disappointment.
What do we do now?

I'm sorry for the disappointing post lately but this is my emotionally state lately.

You know what this week is Infertility Awareness week and how ironic that this week would once again make me very aware of my infertility.

Fertility Part 4

I kind of left this topic hanging when I posted about it way back in January!

Here is an update if you would like to know........(it may be TMI but you have been warned plus it is a little long)

We met with Dr. Gurtcheff on February 25th. After talking with her and giving her a history of our fertility problems, she diagnosed me with LPD (Luteal Phase Defect). I was sad that it really is my fault we can't get pregnant but we are hopeful that our new doctors, who specialize in this, will be able to help us get pregnant.

The plan for me:

1.  Baseline ultrasound- This makes sure my lining is acting like it should. This ultra sound was not too bad but a little uncomfortable. Everything looked like it should so it was on to the next step.
2. Blood work- Checks hormone levels and blood type, everything was good here
3. Water ultrasound- Checks that there isn't any blockage or polyps that could cause problems, this was miserable! Luckily I should only have to get this once, everything looked "beautiful" according to my doctor (this was the most expensive)
4. Clomid for 5 days. I had taken Clomid for 4 months before I got pregnant last time but the side effects this time were worse. The dosage and timing was the same as the last time I took it. Let me tell you that I now feel for all of the women going through "the change!" I had hot flashes like a menopausal woman, not even kidding. You know when all you want to do is run around outside in 40 degree weather with a Popsicle and shorts, there is something wrong. :)
5. 2nd Ultrasound. This ultrasound is to see if I have any mature follicles so that we can trigger ovulation. (if you don't know what all of that means, try WebMd) Everything looked good here too.
6. HCG. That's right folks, the same thing that all of those crazy people use to lose weight, it makes you ovulate. I had to take a shot in the stomach to cause my ovulation, I made Adam give it to me. I am not scared of needles or shots but when it is not a doctor giving it, then it is a little unnerving. Hubby did a good job.
7. Progesterone. They had me start taking this after the HCG to make the "environment" in my body acceptable to have a viable pregnancy. Can I just say Progesterone is messy!
8. After this we play the waiting game. I got a blood test on the 27th of March to find out if we were pregnant. I did not sleep the night before and I forgot to ask when I would get my results. I was a nervous mess ALL day. Around 3:30 the doctor called and told us that our test was NEGATIVE :(

So that brings us to now. I was devastated, upset, angry, jealous, etc. At the same time I am ready to get started again. This stuff is not cheap so hopefully something happens soon or we may have to wait to start a family until we save some more money, to pay for them to get here. This process is cheaper than IVF (which we shouldn't need to do) but it still costs. The plan for this month is the same as last (minus the water ultrasound) and will be, unless it has been 4-6 months and nothing happens then we will have to try something else. I am not trying to complain or ask for pity because honestly I am so grateful for medicine that can help us have children when we are struggling on our own. I want to blog all of this so that when I am a mom, someday hopefully soon, and up all night with a screaming baby I can look back and remember how lucky I am to have that baby and how much I wanted them. I also hope that if anyone reading this is struggling to get pregnant, just know you are not alone and if you have any questions or just need to talk I am an open book.

Part 3

We aren't pregnant yet (24 months later) and sometimes I feel like maybe we are not meant to have children. Maybe we are just supposed to be the cool aunt and uncle who travel the world and buy the best gifts? Except we don't travel but we do give some awesome gifts. The truth is though I really do want a child, our child, but maybe we are just not cut out for that.

There are days, like today, that I feel like we will never have a child in our home and that maybe for some reason this is part of the Lord's plan that I don't understand.
The last little while has been rough, if you can't tell by the beginning of this post.
    The doctor's office called back in Septemeber to remind me of my appointment, my appointment that was supposed to be my 10 week appointment, the appointment that would let me know that there really was a baby inside of me, the appointment most moms-to-be wait for. I know that the nurse felt horrible that she had made the mistake to call me and I told her politely that I had miscarried the month before so I would not need that appointment. Of course I was at work but as soon as I got home I broke down. It was yet another reminder that I was broken that sure I got pregnant but yet there was not going to be a baby, there hadn't been a baby in almost four weeks. There would be no exciting news to share, no nurseries to dream about, there was nothing.
  Then I got a call from the doctor a few weeks after that. I was surprised since I hadn't talked to the doctor in a while. They told me that they wanted me to get an HSG. I asked them if it was necessary because I had been pregnant in August so there shouldn't really be any thing wrong??? They said this is what the doctor wants to do. I felt defeated because that means they still don't think I can get pregnant with out help.
Fast forward to this week....
My cycles have started going wacky again but the doctor won't put me on Clomid again until I get my test done, which I am hoping to take care of here soon. It feels like we are back at square one again because with my cycles being all weird again it is hard to know what my body is doing which makes it hard to get pregnant. Hopefully this HSG will give some insight or at least cause the doctor to put me back on Clomid. I have made an appointment with a RE (reproduction endocrinologist) for the end of February, but maybe we will be blessed and a miracle will happen so that we don't have to take that next step but I guess if this is the road we have to take to get our baby here then we will take it.
I am not sure why this all upset me so much, I guess it made me feel like I am broken, that the reason Adam isn't a dad yet is because of me,

I. AM. A. FAILURE.

Maybe I have made too many mistakes and had enough second chances or I am just not cut out to be a mom but no one has the heart to tell me.
In all honesty I don't want to get tested because what if there really is something wrong that they can't fix, maybe I don't want to know. No one has made me feel this way except for me, we really are our own worst critics.
I will keep you posted. I usually don't ask for this but if any of you that read this can keep us in your prayers I would really appreciate it.

I need your help

I am hoping to get a gift together for my hubby for our anniversary in August. I saw the idea online and I think it would be a lot of fun. The original post was a Christmas gift but I think it would be fun to start with our Anniversary. Those of you that might talk to him please don't say anything because I don't know if it will even happen yet.
If you haven't seen it the gift is where there is an envelope for each month that has everything needed for a date that month. You can see the idea here to get a better idea.

I have a few ideas, but I want to get creative and come up with something fun and affordable for 12 months. Here is where I need your help. What are some of your favorite dates? What is the most creative date you have had? What are your favorite cheap or free dates? What is something in Utah that more people should try?

Any help all of my friends in blogland can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Nothingness

I can't believe it has been a month! I have kind of fallen off the wagon with my goals so new month, fresh start. I don't have much to say but I saw this on LMM a few months ago so I thought I would use it.

I am weird because...


I can’t eat cheese unless it is melted, no string cheese for this girl.
I LOVE the Wizard of Oz.
I wish I had blue eyes.
I can’t sleep with the bedroom door open.
I have to have a glass of water and chapstick next to my bed.

I am always hot even in the middle of a snow storm.

I can get the clothes clean and folded but I can’t seem to put them away.

I love tomato sauce but hate plain tomatoes and ketchup.

I am a bad friend because...


I feel like I take more than I give. 
I am indecisive.
I forget.
I read texts and then forget to respond.

I talk when I should be listening.

I need to try harder.


I am a good friend because...


I am good at keeping secrets.

I would do anything I could to help my friends.
I love my friends and their kiddos as much as my own family.
I am loyal.

I am not afraid to show my real personality to my friends.

I am sad because...


I want a baby.
I want our baby that we lost.
I want to make everyone happy.
I feel like I am not good enough.
I wish I could finish school.

I am burned out at my job.

I feel like I keep letting people down.

I feel like I am missing support from my family when I need it most.

I am happy because...


My marriage is stronger than ever.
I have some truely wonderful blessings in my life.
My hubby is such an amazing person.

I get to serve some of the most wonderful Young Women. 
I have a warm and welcoming home to go home to.

I know I have a Father in Heaven that loves me.

I can keep trying.

I am excited for...


Summer.
Barbecues.
Getting my house organized.

Dates with the hubby.
Decorating my home.
The future.
New adventures.
Movie watching.

Cookie Baking.

Getting crafty.

Hopefully a baby someday.