About me 2.0

So I did a post a while ago with some facts about myself and I thought that might be fun to do again, because I am just that interesting.......ha!

1. I love to rap along with rap songs, regardless of who is in the car or if I know all the words, this is probably highly embarrasing to the hubs. You should hear me white girl rap "Gold Digger" in one  word it is A-MAZ-ING! (Ok that was one long word)

2. I am still figuring out how I could become a wedding planner. I love it! I seriously have the binder I used from my wedding because it was so awesome, if you ever come to my house remind me to show you.

3. There is someone at work who wears so much cologne that I can tell they have arrived for the day just by smell. I am glad that this person wants to smell nice but you do not need to bathe in it.

4. I know I have shared this before but let's revisit it mmmk. I hate, yes I am using a strong word. I hate ground beef. I know weird, right? Un-American? Yes sir. I don't know what it is but I can't stand it. I don't eat hamburgers, I don't have it in spaghetti any shape or form. (I do love spaghetti with marinara and Mizithra cheese)  I definitely do not eat ground beef in loaf form, I don't eat any meat in loaf form for that matter. Bread, that is supposed to be in a loaf. Meat in a loaf form? Whose horrible idea was that?

5. I am the only person in my family who doesn't have to wear glasses. This is a wonderful thing (except that growing up I wanted glasesses so badly!) since I seemed to have inherited all of the other "fun" stuff that runs in my family.

6. Along with chapstick I am addicted to lotion. I have to use it when I get out of the shower. I have to put it on my hands and feet before I go to bed. I can't stand it if my hands or feet feel dry.

7. I like to make lists. How great does it feel to have a list and then mark something off? The only problem is that I really need to learn to actually do some of the things on my list so I can check them off. I may have a lot of unfinished lists floating around work, home, church.

8. I love to shop for craft supplies. I have SO much scrapbook paper that I really do plan on using someday. I have lots of other craft things that I really should use but first I have to find time to actually craft. I think I actually have a problem. I just keep buying paper and embellishments and putting them in my craft room somewhere. Yes folks I have a whole room devoted to crafts.

9. Ok this one may make me unpopular with a lot of people but I really don't like Nutella. I have tried so hard but I just can't get myself to like it. It is weird because I like the things that are in it. Chocolate...good, Hazelnut...good. On my toast....bad. I even like the other chocolate hazlenut things that Ferrero puts out, hello Ferrero Rocher at Christmas. get. in. my. mouth! Maybe I will have to keep trying it, but right now I don't get it.

10. I need to end on an even number! Sweet Tooth Fairy, ever been there? Oh My Gosh! You guys I think they seriously put crack in their sweet treats. I crave, to the point that my mouth waters,  I crave their VaNiella Squared cupcake. Yes I know it is just a vanilla cupcake with white frosting but what ever they put in that frosting makes me weak in the knees. I think that I may need to make a visit there sometime today.

So that's a little bit more about me since I am sure you were all just dying to hear about my weird quirks.

New Year (a month or two late)

I hope everyone that still reads this blog has realized that in "Jen World" posting something soon means 6+ months later.

I thought about doing a recap of the past 6 months but I honestly can't remember that far back. All I remember is girl's camp and working 60 hour work weeks. I was busy and tired. Adam and I also celebrated 6 years of wedded bliss.

No baby yet. We took a few months off this summer since we were so busy and funds were a little tight. We started back at the doctor in November and are very hopeful.

I really have no reason for being MIA just that I have not felt like blogging much and there really has not been a whole lot to blog about.

Original Post from sometime in January ha!......

Yay for a new year! I love it when that clock strikes midnight (even if I am half asleep). There is just something about a fresh start. A new year to try new things or make great changes. Sure resolutions don't always work out but it sure is nice to start the year out strong and with goals and plans to make me feel some-what productive for a few weeks.

The hubby and I did start off strong beginning with New Year's Day. We decided this year we wanted to get our house clean and organized. We started with the basement. We ended up getting rid of 3 bags of trash and taking a whole truck load of stuff to the DI. It feels fantastic to have one area done, just a whole house to go. Some how we have accumulated a bunch of junk that for one reason or another we have held on to, but no more! Good-bye junk, good-bye clothes that I will never fit into, good-bye to all  of it!

I am ready for my new, fresh start! Here's to hopefully another productive month and a great new year.

Catching Up

I just wanted to check in with anyone who still reads this :) I am sorry for the lack of posts lately.

This has been a crazy couple of months!! My time has been filled with:

Girls's Camp,Work, Birthdays, Girl's Camp, Youth Conference, Other church obligations, Girl's Camp, Swimming and did I mention Girl's Camp?

Today and tomorrow are super busy at work, boo month end! I am hoping to be able to post and get caught up on life this week sometime.

See you in a few days!

No title

Things have been a little depressing around here lately and that is not cool.

Thank you for all of the love and support on my last post. The day I take my pregnancy test is usually the worst and then I am ok. I would have deleted that post but that was how I was feeling that day, true and honest emotion. Someday when my kids are crying and I feel like I can't do it anymore I will look back on these posts and remember all of the pain and heartache that we experienced to get our little miracle(s) here and realize how grateful I am for everyday with my kids even when they are driving me crazy! I am feeling back to "normal" with the addition of fertility medication, but if that is my new normal for a while then so be it. We are on cycle number 3 this month and I am feeling very hopeful and trying to think positively so wish us luck.

Ok enough fertility talk. What have we been up to?

*  I am still super busy with Young Women's. We are trying to plan Girl's Camp right now which has occupied a lot of my time, but I think we are going to have an amazing four days with our girls so it will be worth it.
*  I am in a new position at work that I started this month. I am now in our Suspense department. I won't go into details but so far I like it a lot and I don't get quite as much anxiety as I used to in funding so that is a nice change.
*  Hubby is still keeping busy with his calling as 1st counselor in the Sunday school presidency. He does a great job at his calling and serves with some amazing people
*  Adam is still at his same job, he is great at it but I know he is ready for a change. We have talked about him going back to school and I think that is where he is headed this fall, we are excited!

The last few weekends have been fun and relaxing and I am grateful for the warm weather to come. Plus one of my favorite holidays is on it's way, the 4th of July! I could probably do a whole post on the 4th, which I may.

We have been busy painting, planting flowers, going to movies and just spending some great time together. I am hoping that we can get these doctor bills paid off and maybe take a vacation because we haven't had one in so long and it is desperately needed.

This is kind of a random post but I am kind of a random person so it all makes sense. 

Infertility BOO!

Today I am sad. It's the end of the road again. I don't know what to do now. Do we keep throwing money at this and hope for a miracle or do we take a break, pay things off and start all over, which means it will probably take even longer. We are running out of money and I am running out of strength.
Last month I told myself it's ok just pick yourself up because you can do hard things! Next month will be the month. You can make it through this. Now, I am not so sure.
Maybe I should have tried to be more positive, maybe I need to speak kinder about those around me, maybe I am not worthy to have one of God's precious spirits in our home, maybe this whole baby thing isn't meant for us.
So here I was today, hopeful, anxious, waiting. Waiting for the call on my blood test where they tell me once again that we are not pregnant. "Your test came up NEGATIVE, I'm so sorry Jennifer." Waiting to hear that my body failed. I'm waiting for a miracle, I'm waiting for the pain and heartbreak to go away, but it never does. I feel like I am waiting for the impossible and that makes me feel like a fool. What can we do but wait? "Faith in the Lord means faith in his timing." I thought I had faith but I am starting to feel my faith waver. When is it going to be our turn?
You know what really sucks!? We were supposed to have a baby this month, but instead my body failed and I miscarried that baby last August. I know I shouldn't dwell and what's done is done but I don't know how much more I can handle.
I want so badly to go back to normal. Normal now is Period, Ultrasound, 50 mg of Clomid for days 3-7, Estrace, another ultrasound, HCG trigger shot, 2 weeks of waiting. All of this for someone to call and tell me it didn't work again. Then we start over.
The doctor wanted to try for 4-6 months and then we will reevaluate. I sure hope a miracle happens in the next 1-2 months because we can't afford the other options.
I don't want to give up because who knows how long it will take if we stop now. If we stop it will take longer for the medicine to build up again and that means even more months of heart ache and disappointment.
What do we do now?

I'm sorry for the disappointing post lately but this is my emotionally state lately.

You know what this week is Infertility Awareness week and how ironic that this week would once again make me very aware of my infertility.

Fertility Part 4

I kind of left this topic hanging when I posted about it way back in January!

Here is an update if you would like to know........(it may be TMI but you have been warned plus it is a little long)

We met with Dr. Gurtcheff on February 25th. After talking with her and giving her a history of our fertility problems, she diagnosed me with LPD (Luteal Phase Defect). I was sad that it really is my fault we can't get pregnant but we are hopeful that our new doctors, who specialize in this, will be able to help us get pregnant.

The plan for me:

1.  Baseline ultrasound- This makes sure my lining is acting like it should. This ultra sound was not too bad but a little uncomfortable. Everything looked like it should so it was on to the next step.
2. Blood work- Checks hormone levels and blood type, everything was good here
3. Water ultrasound- Checks that there isn't any blockage or polyps that could cause problems, this was miserable! Luckily I should only have to get this once, everything looked "beautiful" according to my doctor (this was the most expensive)
4. Clomid for 5 days. I had taken Clomid for 4 months before I got pregnant last time but the side effects this time were worse. The dosage and timing was the same as the last time I took it. Let me tell you that I now feel for all of the women going through "the change!" I had hot flashes like a menopausal woman, not even kidding. You know when all you want to do is run around outside in 40 degree weather with a Popsicle and shorts, there is something wrong. :)
5. 2nd Ultrasound. This ultrasound is to see if I have any mature follicles so that we can trigger ovulation. (if you don't know what all of that means, try WebMd) Everything looked good here too.
6. HCG. That's right folks, the same thing that all of those crazy people use to lose weight, it makes you ovulate. I had to take a shot in the stomach to cause my ovulation, I made Adam give it to me. I am not scared of needles or shots but when it is not a doctor giving it, then it is a little unnerving. Hubby did a good job.
7. Progesterone. They had me start taking this after the HCG to make the "environment" in my body acceptable to have a viable pregnancy. Can I just say Progesterone is messy!
8. After this we play the waiting game. I got a blood test on the 27th of March to find out if we were pregnant. I did not sleep the night before and I forgot to ask when I would get my results. I was a nervous mess ALL day. Around 3:30 the doctor called and told us that our test was NEGATIVE :(

So that brings us to now. I was devastated, upset, angry, jealous, etc. At the same time I am ready to get started again. This stuff is not cheap so hopefully something happens soon or we may have to wait to start a family until we save some more money, to pay for them to get here. This process is cheaper than IVF (which we shouldn't need to do) but it still costs. The plan for this month is the same as last (minus the water ultrasound) and will be, unless it has been 4-6 months and nothing happens then we will have to try something else. I am not trying to complain or ask for pity because honestly I am so grateful for medicine that can help us have children when we are struggling on our own. I want to blog all of this so that when I am a mom, someday hopefully soon, and up all night with a screaming baby I can look back and remember how lucky I am to have that baby and how much I wanted them. I also hope that if anyone reading this is struggling to get pregnant, just know you are not alone and if you have any questions or just need to talk I am an open book.

Part 3

We aren't pregnant yet (24 months later) and sometimes I feel like maybe we are not meant to have children. Maybe we are just supposed to be the cool aunt and uncle who travel the world and buy the best gifts? Except we don't travel but we do give some awesome gifts. The truth is though I really do want a child, our child, but maybe we are just not cut out for that.

There are days, like today, that I feel like we will never have a child in our home and that maybe for some reason this is part of the Lord's plan that I don't understand.
The last little while has been rough, if you can't tell by the beginning of this post.
    The doctor's office called back in Septemeber to remind me of my appointment, my appointment that was supposed to be my 10 week appointment, the appointment that would let me know that there really was a baby inside of me, the appointment most moms-to-be wait for. I know that the nurse felt horrible that she had made the mistake to call me and I told her politely that I had miscarried the month before so I would not need that appointment. Of course I was at work but as soon as I got home I broke down. It was yet another reminder that I was broken that sure I got pregnant but yet there was not going to be a baby, there hadn't been a baby in almost four weeks. There would be no exciting news to share, no nurseries to dream about, there was nothing.
  Then I got a call from the doctor a few weeks after that. I was surprised since I hadn't talked to the doctor in a while. They told me that they wanted me to get an HSG. I asked them if it was necessary because I had been pregnant in August so there shouldn't really be any thing wrong??? They said this is what the doctor wants to do. I felt defeated because that means they still don't think I can get pregnant with out help.
Fast forward to this week....
My cycles have started going wacky again but the doctor won't put me on Clomid again until I get my test done, which I am hoping to take care of here soon. It feels like we are back at square one again because with my cycles being all weird again it is hard to know what my body is doing which makes it hard to get pregnant. Hopefully this HSG will give some insight or at least cause the doctor to put me back on Clomid. I have made an appointment with a RE (reproduction endocrinologist) for the end of February, but maybe we will be blessed and a miracle will happen so that we don't have to take that next step but I guess if this is the road we have to take to get our baby here then we will take it.
I am not sure why this all upset me so much, I guess it made me feel like I am broken, that the reason Adam isn't a dad yet is because of me,

I. AM. A. FAILURE.

Maybe I have made too many mistakes and had enough second chances or I am just not cut out to be a mom but no one has the heart to tell me.
In all honesty I don't want to get tested because what if there really is something wrong that they can't fix, maybe I don't want to know. No one has made me feel this way except for me, we really are our own worst critics.
I will keep you posted. I usually don't ask for this but if any of you that read this can keep us in your prayers I would really appreciate it.