Infertility BOO!

Today I am sad. It's the end of the road again. I don't know what to do now. Do we keep throwing money at this and hope for a miracle or do we take a break, pay things off and start all over, which means it will probably take even longer. We are running out of money and I am running out of strength.
Last month I told myself it's ok just pick yourself up because you can do hard things! Next month will be the month. You can make it through this. Now, I am not so sure.
Maybe I should have tried to be more positive, maybe I need to speak kinder about those around me, maybe I am not worthy to have one of God's precious spirits in our home, maybe this whole baby thing isn't meant for us.
So here I was today, hopeful, anxious, waiting. Waiting for the call on my blood test where they tell me once again that we are not pregnant. "Your test came up NEGATIVE, I'm so sorry Jennifer." Waiting to hear that my body failed. I'm waiting for a miracle, I'm waiting for the pain and heartbreak to go away, but it never does. I feel like I am waiting for the impossible and that makes me feel like a fool. What can we do but wait? "Faith in the Lord means faith in his timing." I thought I had faith but I am starting to feel my faith waver. When is it going to be our turn?
You know what really sucks!? We were supposed to have a baby this month, but instead my body failed and I miscarried that baby last August. I know I shouldn't dwell and what's done is done but I don't know how much more I can handle.
I want so badly to go back to normal. Normal now is Period, Ultrasound, 50 mg of Clomid for days 3-7, Estrace, another ultrasound, HCG trigger shot, 2 weeks of waiting. All of this for someone to call and tell me it didn't work again. Then we start over.
The doctor wanted to try for 4-6 months and then we will reevaluate. I sure hope a miracle happens in the next 1-2 months because we can't afford the other options.
I don't want to give up because who knows how long it will take if we stop now. If we stop it will take longer for the medicine to build up again and that means even more months of heart ache and disappointment.
What do we do now?

I'm sorry for the disappointing post lately but this is my emotionally state lately.

You know what this week is Infertility Awareness week and how ironic that this week would once again make me very aware of my infertility.

Fertility Part 4

I kind of left this topic hanging when I posted about it way back in January!

Here is an update if you would like to know........(it may be TMI but you have been warned plus it is a little long)

We met with Dr. Gurtcheff on February 25th. After talking with her and giving her a history of our fertility problems, she diagnosed me with LPD (Luteal Phase Defect). I was sad that it really is my fault we can't get pregnant but we are hopeful that our new doctors, who specialize in this, will be able to help us get pregnant.

The plan for me:

1.  Baseline ultrasound- This makes sure my lining is acting like it should. This ultra sound was not too bad but a little uncomfortable. Everything looked like it should so it was on to the next step.
2. Blood work- Checks hormone levels and blood type, everything was good here
3. Water ultrasound- Checks that there isn't any blockage or polyps that could cause problems, this was miserable! Luckily I should only have to get this once, everything looked "beautiful" according to my doctor (this was the most expensive)
4. Clomid for 5 days. I had taken Clomid for 4 months before I got pregnant last time but the side effects this time were worse. The dosage and timing was the same as the last time I took it. Let me tell you that I now feel for all of the women going through "the change!" I had hot flashes like a menopausal woman, not even kidding. You know when all you want to do is run around outside in 40 degree weather with a Popsicle and shorts, there is something wrong. :)
5. 2nd Ultrasound. This ultrasound is to see if I have any mature follicles so that we can trigger ovulation. (if you don't know what all of that means, try WebMd) Everything looked good here too.
6. HCG. That's right folks, the same thing that all of those crazy people use to lose weight, it makes you ovulate. I had to take a shot in the stomach to cause my ovulation, I made Adam give it to me. I am not scared of needles or shots but when it is not a doctor giving it, then it is a little unnerving. Hubby did a good job.
7. Progesterone. They had me start taking this after the HCG to make the "environment" in my body acceptable to have a viable pregnancy. Can I just say Progesterone is messy!
8. After this we play the waiting game. I got a blood test on the 27th of March to find out if we were pregnant. I did not sleep the night before and I forgot to ask when I would get my results. I was a nervous mess ALL day. Around 3:30 the doctor called and told us that our test was NEGATIVE :(

So that brings us to now. I was devastated, upset, angry, jealous, etc. At the same time I am ready to get started again. This stuff is not cheap so hopefully something happens soon or we may have to wait to start a family until we save some more money, to pay for them to get here. This process is cheaper than IVF (which we shouldn't need to do) but it still costs. The plan for this month is the same as last (minus the water ultrasound) and will be, unless it has been 4-6 months and nothing happens then we will have to try something else. I am not trying to complain or ask for pity because honestly I am so grateful for medicine that can help us have children when we are struggling on our own. I want to blog all of this so that when I am a mom, someday hopefully soon, and up all night with a screaming baby I can look back and remember how lucky I am to have that baby and how much I wanted them. I also hope that if anyone reading this is struggling to get pregnant, just know you are not alone and if you have any questions or just need to talk I am an open book.