Thank you!

Can I just say wow?! I knew Adam and I had great friends and family but wow!
I just wanted to take a minute to give all of you that have read this little blog the last week, a BIG HUGE THANK YOU!

When I decided to post for a whole week about infertility I never expected the response we received. I initially wanted to post an update to those that read my blog about where we are at in our treatment. I also wanted to share some thoughts and feelings to help any of those who might be struggling with their own infertility. I wasn't sure what else to share but then I had the thought, why not share a husband's perspective? Boy, am I sure glad I did! I wasn't sure if Adam would want to share or if he would think I was being silly, but I sure love that man of mine! Who better to share experience from the guy's point of view then my own husband who has been there for the past 3 1/2 years figuring out this infertility thing with me?

I am just so grateful for all of the loving and supportive comments that we received. I didn't know what to expect from this last week. To be honest I figured that no one would really read or even comment on anything but I knew that it was important for me to share. I wanted to tell all of you that my strength is renewed, because of you! I still don't know when we will start treatments again but I know that we will figure it out somehow and that we will have the love and support we need along the way. I can't promise you that my posts will all be cheerful and hopeful when it comes to our infertility but they will be honest and heartfelt.

I had another post lined up for Infertility Awareness week but I decided not to post it and will probably save it for another day because how can I follow up such a great post from Adam?

This post is all over the place but I just wanted to make sure I got on here and told you all how much Adam and I love and appreciate the kind words and prayers on our behalf. You have been in my prayers and will continue to be.

I also want to add how important I think it is to not feel like infertility is a taboo thing. It is a sickness, a real thing that I think needs to be discussed. Of course some people aren't comfortable sharing those thing with anyone but close family and friends and that's ok. Just know if you are going through infertility, things are a lot better when you find someone to talk and share with. When we first started on this journey I wasn't sure what I wanted to share but after talking to different people it was comforting for me to know that I was definitely not alone in this struggle. So here we are 3 1/2 years later and I am glad that I decided to share and will continue to share our experiences.

Thank you again!

Infertility Awareness: A Husband's Perspective

I hope that you have found everything that I posted so far this week helpful, insightful or at least a little interesting. For today I am going to do something a little different. I asked the hubby to write a little bit about how our infertility affects him or his thoughts and feelings. Everything below is his thoughts and feelings. He is the best so show him some comment love!!

I once told a group of friends that infertility is like gambling, you throw all this money at the problem in hopes to hit the all mighty JACKPOT! “May the odds be ever in your favor ” as Effie Trinket would say.

       My name is Adam, and my wife asked me to write about my perspective with infertility. So here we go.

One thing is for sure I know way too much about the women’s anatomy than I ever cared to know about. What happen to, this is first base, these are second base, and this is third base? Put them together and what do you get? Home run baby! Now it’s just……….. Complicated. Coitus or “intercourse” as the Doc says, is scheduled, timed, every other day, and sometimes twice a day. Never thought I’d ever complain about twice a day. It cracks me up how my friends say how lucky I am. Yeah but at this point I feel more like a milking cow rather than a man getting some sweet, sweet, loving. Grrrrrrrrrr.

I have to laugh, Who ever thought I’d see the day were I be keeping track of my wife’s monthly cycle. Ha! Man if I only I could go back to the days of when my Xbox became my new best friend for 5 to 7 days once a month. Now its, have you started? You’re late, I know it. Take a test! My poor wife, how she puts up with it I will never know. Treatments are a hard part for me, watching my wife pump herself full of hormones. Running for the hills when she has a mood swing, most of the ladies I talk to about it just say, “ At least you’ll know how she will be pregnant “. Yeah but at least there is a baby involved, this is just hormone over load with nothing to look forward to.

The truest and hardest part of this whole thing is the dreaded phone call after going in to have blood work done to see if treatments worked.

We arrive 8:15 my wife hops out of the car, as I say a pray in my heart, “ please God let this be our day “ I sit in the waiting room as she is in the back, my hands are clammy, cold. Another couple sits next me, I wonder how far they are into their treatments, or is this their first time? The TV on the wall has Plant Earth on the screen; I swear it’s the same disc every time I come in, and why is it always the mating seen playing?

She exits from the back and takes my hand giving it a hard squeeze, her arm is wrapped in pink, with a cotton ball over the punctured area, we exit the building. I help her in the car then take my place at the wheel; the ride is quiet as we head to work we dare not speak. I arrive at work first, we embrace, say our goodbye and I watch her drive away. Hope is on her face, I see it as she leaves, I wish I could say the same for me.

The time creeps bye, damn the clock! I swear its ticking back wards.  I wait, I pray, I hope. When will they call with the results? Ding! My phone has a text, dang just a friend. Then it rings, it’s my wife, my heart stops. I answer “Hi honey” the words barely leave my lips………….. “Its negative” the words ring through my ears… “I’m sorry honey, I’m sorry”. “ Maybe next time,” she says. “Are you ok “? I ask. “I’ll be ok” silence follows “ I love you “ I love you too” click.

I curse God, ask forgiveness from him, and then plead with him. The day cannot end soon enough. My wife arrives to pick me up; her tear-stained cheeks speak a thousand words. The car ride home is quiet, bits of chatter of maybe next time, and if we put this much money aside we should be able to try again. Night comes but there is no rest, another attempt to bring the gift of life to the world and our family ,gone.

To all the men who go through this, remember you are your wife’s rock!

Their firm foundation, it is hard but it is harder for them, and you and I need to be the support in these times. Our wives hold the greatest gift of all, to bring new life into this world and to become a mother. Nobody understands this better than God and her.

            To my wife and all the women who are going through this, stay strong, stay positive, and don’t give up on yourself. You are something special, someone who truly cares, you are someone worth fighting for.

           

I hope this helps those who read it.

Infertility Awareness: Etiquette

I found this wonderful article at Dreaming of Dimples. To me this list sums up my feelings pretty well. It is a little long so if anything please read the bold headers to get a good idea. None of my posts are meant to offend or upset anyone so I hope you will read everything I post with an open heart.

If you know someone who is struggling with infertility, please read the very important information below (via RESOLVE) to learn what not to say and how to best support your friend or family member during this difficult time. To make this more digestible, I've included the most helpful tips (in my humble opinion).

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time. 

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

• They will eventually conceive a baby.
• They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
• They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster
  parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous insemination's, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child. 

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job? 

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen. 

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

 Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.


I have not experienced all of these but I have experienced many of them. Know that if you have said any of these things to people in your life experiencing infertility, it's ok just hug, them, love them and try to be the support they need. I am sure I am even guilty of making comments to people before I started my infertility journey and if that was any of you I am sorry.

Infertility Awareness: Where we're at

Continuing with Infertility Awareness week, here is where we are at in our infertility journey. I will keep it as brief as I can :)

I think the last time I talked about our infertility was just a small blip on my post about the new year. We had taken most of the summer off to try and save some money. Physically and emotionally I needed some time off too. We started back up in November and had some high hopes, I felt recharged and better prepared this time around. I had done some research and found a few of my prescriptions locally which saved us a little money, we knew what to expect with our treatments as far as costs and emotions, we felt ready. Usually you are allowed to stay on Clomid for about 4-6 months, I ended up being on Clomid for 7 months... 3 months then 5 off and then 4 months again. They let me try that one last month because my body was responding well to it and was finally "regular." The beginning of March we had our blood test and like the other 7 months, plus those where we weren't at the doctor, it came back negative. I was crushed, Adam was crushed. I just didn't and still don't understand why I wasn't pregnant. By this time it had been 3 years and 3 months since we had started trying for a baby and 1 year 7 months since our miscarriage.

Our next step was to meet with the doctor again and decide a new plan of action. I love our doctor so much, she knows her stuff and is also very compassionate towards us. We got into her office and she told us that she was completely baffled as to why we weren't pregnant yet. She said that since we had gotten pregnant once that she felt once my hormones were regulated that it should happen pretty soon for us. We were told that she doesn't like to leave anyone on Clomid for that long because it can start doing more harm than good, but that everything always looked great so she let us go one more month. It was time for us to start looking at other options, of course I started bawling because this is not how I was hoping my treatments would go.

So what's next? Our next options are IUI (artificial insemination) which increases our chances to about 20-30%. We get three chances with that option. After that our next step would be IVF which she said would increase our chances to about 75%, but it is also $10,000 a try! Our doctor is so great and said that it is totally our choice with what we want to do next. She told us that if we decided to the IUI route first, she only wants us to try three times because if it doesn't work after three times then she doesn't want to waste any more of our money and would rather have us be able to save for IVF. We decided we would like to try the IUI first, partly because it is about a 10th of the cost of IVF (still expensive) and it is also a little less evasive. I will be put on new meds and have two shots instead of one. We are taking a couple months off to try and save up and also to get emotionally ready again. I am not sure what month we will start, right now we are shooting for July as the latest.

That is where we are treatment-wise. Emotionally, physically, financially we are tired! Infertility is a struggle I would not wish on my worst enemy. It really does take it's toll on your life. Some days are good, I feel normal and ready to take on the world and I want to jump right into treatments. Other days I am depressed, grumpy and feel like we will never have our own child and that this is all just a waste of time and money. We participated in a family fast with Adam's family which was amazing and renewed some of my faith and hope. I have had lots of blessings and said many prayers. No matter how tired, stressed and depressed I get I am still not quite ready to give up. I will keep pushing on and do all I can until I can't give anymore.

That is where we are at. Thanks as always for reading my, anything-but-brief posts and most of all for your thoughts and prayers!

Infertility Awareness

I have not really been sure what to post as of late, I am kind of a boring person. I have tried to avoid posting too much about my infertility because I am sure many of you are as tired of reading about it as I am dealing with it. However, with that being said, Sunday marked the start of infertility awareness week. (April 21-27)

For the next week I would like to:

• Update on where we are at in our infertility
• Share some tips or helpful things when you have a friend or family member dealing with infertility
• Answer any questions that any of you have (my 6 fantastic readers that I love). You can leave a comment or email me. I am pretty much an open book about my infertility stuff now so if you have any questions at all please ask. They don't have to necessarily be questions about my infertility but can be general infertility questions, I will answer the best I can.

I will probably try and update you on all the other goings-on that have nothing to do with infertility, in-between.

Like I said I am not trying to bore you with a my infertility struggles all the time. It is a big part of my life right now so I am still trying to find a good balance. I figured that since it is Infertility Awareness week I will try share my thoughts and feelings, so you can chose to read this week or wait until I get back to blogging about other things. :)

Thank you for reading!