Reflections on Infertility

This time of year while sitting in my warm, quiet home, spending time with my family and friends, it usually leads me into a reflective state. Sometimes being alone with my thoughts can be a scary thing, there is a whole lot of crazy up there waiting to come out. I have been thinking a lot about this past year and the years before. Like most people Adam and I have been through a lot of ups and downs but at least we have been through them together. Always at the forefront of our struggles is the dark unknown of infertility. I know, I know another infertility post, but I am hoping this one is different and  unfortunately, infertility makes itself known more when I become reflective. Adam and I were talking about our trials a few weeks ago and we talked about trying to find the joy in trials. Let me tell you that is a hard thing to do! But during our discussion we were able to find some silver linings on the dark clouds that pass through each of our lives.

With our infertility it is so hard to find the good and try to look at it as a blessing rather than a punishment. However, I think with each trial there is always something to be learned or gained. You may not see the blessing or understand the lesson until that trial is over but sometimes you can pull yourself from the darkness to see the little bit of hope or light to keep you pushing forward. I wanted to share our little glimpse of light we were able to find.

* Our miscarriage was one of the hardest things we have EVER had to deal with. It was painful and emotional and I still think about that baby that could have been. But because of that one time we know that my body CAN get pregnant. I don't know why I haven't been pregnant since (except a couple chemical pregnancies) but Adam and I try to hold on to that reassurance that it has happened once and it can happen again

* We were quiet about our infertility for a long time and I think at one point we just didn't want to admit there was anything wrong. It was lonely and painful to experience it all alone. Once we opened up about it we found that there were friends and family members there. We had a support group of people to talk to, cry on, get us in contact with our amazing doctors and just have them tell is it will be ok. I think back to those lonely times where we were just trying to figure this whole mess out. How much better it is now to know that we have prayers sent our way and ears willing to listen. (I am sure some of you are tired of the infertility talk but you will never know how grateful we are to you! Thank you!)

* When we were quiet about our infertility I think about all of the others who felt they had to be quiet too. When we decided it was time to share more information it was amazing to find out how many others were struggling with the same thing. Through this trial we were able to help a few of our friends with sharing our doctor's information or just being their listening ear. Even though we have not been blessed with our little one a few of our friends have been able to get pregnant through our doctor's office. I am not writing this to pat ourselves on the back but to remind me that even though we are not pregnant there are others who have been blessed because we shared what information we could. Does that make sense, or do I just sound narcissistic?

* Through this trial I have realized that I am strong. I can do hard things. I still have my rough days, weeks, months even years. But somehow I am still standing, I am still getting up everyday, I am still here! Are there days where the darkness encompasses me and I just want to be done? Of course! Sometimes I am not sure how I get through but I know that I have loving friends and family and a loving Father in Heaven that are there to support me when I am weak.

* At times through this difficult season of my life I have felt so alone and like my Heavenly Father has forgotten about me or given up on me. But I am here to tell you that even when my shoulders feel the heaviest and I don't think I can go on, my Heavenly Father is still there. Even when I give up on Him he hasn't given up on me. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real! When I realize that my Savior has been where I am, He has felt what I am feeling and knows the pains in my heart, that gives me comfort, that gives me strength. How truly grateful I am to have a Heavenly Father who sent His only Son to experience the pains of this world and sacrifice His perfect life so that I can be forgiven of my sins. What hope it gives me to know that my brother, Jesus Christ, has felt all of my pain so I don't have to feel it alone. I don't share my testimony on this blog very often but I know that God is real and I know that is why I have been able to endure this trial for so long. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have that if life gets too hard and the pain gets too much, that even when I feel like God can't help me anymore, I can still get on my knees and pray, I can still ask for comfort and blessings and He listens. He is there to carry me.

Like I said before, Adam and I have been through our share of trials, just like so many others. But this trial of infertility has helped me realize that somehow and through the grace of God we will survive this and anything else that comes our way.  I always worry on posts like this because I do not want to come across as someone who is trying to make anyone else trials seem less than or inferior to mine. I believe that everyone is given different trials and difficulties through this life and we all handle them the best we can, because they are OUR trials they cannot be compared to anyone else, often times that is easier said then done. So to any of you that still read this know that you are strong, you are brave and you can make it through anything that is thrown your way! You are amazing! You are loved!

If you made it through this long post good job! I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and have a wonderful new year. 2015 here we come.......

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