I found this wonderful article at Dreaming of Dimples. To me this list sums up my feelings pretty well. It is a little long so if anything please read the bold headers to get a good idea. None of my posts are meant to offend or upset anyone so I hope you will read everything I post with an open heart.
If you know someone who is struggling with
infertility, please read the very important information below
(via RESOLVE) to
learn what not to say and how to best support your friend or
family member during this difficult time. To make this more digestible, I've
included the most helpful tips (in my humble opinion).
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with
infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United
States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed
about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this
painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain
is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is
a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope
that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief,
accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your
life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people
grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of
that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month,
there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter
how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this
month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes
over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year
after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it
starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain
increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and
embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your
bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple
will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
- They will eventually conceive a baby.
- They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without
children.
- They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or
becoming a foster
parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so
your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most
people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which
only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to
say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows
someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she
"relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are
not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until
they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most
infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have
tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't
infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly
infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise"
create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The
woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good
chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming
pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a
couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous insemination's,
hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet,
people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . .
." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a
doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a
child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to
conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by
families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or
three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to
the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child
brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to
experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep
late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make
infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell
somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy
Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even
begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same
vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody
who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are
Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that
there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final
authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going
through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a
job?
Different people
react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has
trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing
an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her
career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave
her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole
goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the
"worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose
parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such
a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein,
don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than
infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to
Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is,
"Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to
imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely
sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't
you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he
sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if
you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not
comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or
Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't
Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the
woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a
petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People
frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would
use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't
Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant
women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your
belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have.
Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a
way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her
friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is
DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand
from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and
you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and
fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in
your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting
you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the
discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing
inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I
would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could
have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I
would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I
managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies,
but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your
infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy
for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new
baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just
trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact
that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with
you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are
Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that
infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of
parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't
ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in
parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities
involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether
you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time
you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of
responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant
longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also
probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their
families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile
couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like.
Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the
night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables.
Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be
perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we
discover the truth later.
Don't Push
Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people
to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!)
However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready
to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a
"stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's
eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the
grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview,
we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?"
Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child
yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before
you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are
ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and
expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that
they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an
adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this
point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption
isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the
baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples.
(The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said,
"Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However,
"pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing
if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk
about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to
your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is
nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of
yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do
to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing
you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards.
Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are
praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a
loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the
load and lets them know that they aren't going through this
alone.
Support Their Decision to Stop
Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever.
At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it
involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must
still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and
daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments,
support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage
them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached
resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster
parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't
try to open that chapter again.
I have not experienced all of these but I have experienced many of them. Know that if you have said any of these things to people in your life experiencing infertility, it's ok just hug, them, love them and try to be the support they need. I am sure I am even guilty of making comments to people before I started my infertility journey and if that was any of you I am sorry.
