Part 3

We aren't pregnant yet (24 months later) and sometimes I feel like maybe we are not meant to have children. Maybe we are just supposed to be the cool aunt and uncle who travel the world and buy the best gifts? Except we don't travel but we do give some awesome gifts. The truth is though I really do want a child, our child, but maybe we are just not cut out for that.

There are days, like today, that I feel like we will never have a child in our home and that maybe for some reason this is part of the Lord's plan that I don't understand.
The last little while has been rough, if you can't tell by the beginning of this post.
    The doctor's office called back in Septemeber to remind me of my appointment, my appointment that was supposed to be my 10 week appointment, the appointment that would let me know that there really was a baby inside of me, the appointment most moms-to-be wait for. I know that the nurse felt horrible that she had made the mistake to call me and I told her politely that I had miscarried the month before so I would not need that appointment. Of course I was at work but as soon as I got home I broke down. It was yet another reminder that I was broken that sure I got pregnant but yet there was not going to be a baby, there hadn't been a baby in almost four weeks. There would be no exciting news to share, no nurseries to dream about, there was nothing.
  Then I got a call from the doctor a few weeks after that. I was surprised since I hadn't talked to the doctor in a while. They told me that they wanted me to get an HSG. I asked them if it was necessary because I had been pregnant in August so there shouldn't really be any thing wrong??? They said this is what the doctor wants to do. I felt defeated because that means they still don't think I can get pregnant with out help.
Fast forward to this week....
My cycles have started going wacky again but the doctor won't put me on Clomid again until I get my test done, which I am hoping to take care of here soon. It feels like we are back at square one again because with my cycles being all weird again it is hard to know what my body is doing which makes it hard to get pregnant. Hopefully this HSG will give some insight or at least cause the doctor to put me back on Clomid. I have made an appointment with a RE (reproduction endocrinologist) for the end of February, but maybe we will be blessed and a miracle will happen so that we don't have to take that next step but I guess if this is the road we have to take to get our baby here then we will take it.
I am not sure why this all upset me so much, I guess it made me feel like I am broken, that the reason Adam isn't a dad yet is because of me,

I. AM. A. FAILURE.

Maybe I have made too many mistakes and had enough second chances or I am just not cut out to be a mom but no one has the heart to tell me.
In all honesty I don't want to get tested because what if there really is something wrong that they can't fix, maybe I don't want to know. No one has made me feel this way except for me, we really are our own worst critics.
I will keep you posted. I usually don't ask for this but if any of you that read this can keep us in your prayers I would really appreciate it.

I need your help

I am hoping to get a gift together for my hubby for our anniversary in August. I saw the idea online and I think it would be a lot of fun. The original post was a Christmas gift but I think it would be fun to start with our Anniversary. Those of you that might talk to him please don't say anything because I don't know if it will even happen yet.
If you haven't seen it the gift is where there is an envelope for each month that has everything needed for a date that month. You can see the idea here to get a better idea.

I have a few ideas, but I want to get creative and come up with something fun and affordable for 12 months. Here is where I need your help. What are some of your favorite dates? What is the most creative date you have had? What are your favorite cheap or free dates? What is something in Utah that more people should try?

Any help all of my friends in blogland can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Nothingness

I can't believe it has been a month! I have kind of fallen off the wagon with my goals so new month, fresh start. I don't have much to say but I saw this on LMM a few months ago so I thought I would use it.

I am weird because...


I can’t eat cheese unless it is melted, no string cheese for this girl.
I LOVE the Wizard of Oz.
I wish I had blue eyes.
I can’t sleep with the bedroom door open.
I have to have a glass of water and chapstick next to my bed.

I am always hot even in the middle of a snow storm.

I can get the clothes clean and folded but I can’t seem to put them away.

I love tomato sauce but hate plain tomatoes and ketchup.

I am a bad friend because...


I feel like I take more than I give. 
I am indecisive.
I forget.
I read texts and then forget to respond.

I talk when I should be listening.

I need to try harder.


I am a good friend because...


I am good at keeping secrets.

I would do anything I could to help my friends.
I love my friends and their kiddos as much as my own family.
I am loyal.

I am not afraid to show my real personality to my friends.

I am sad because...


I want a baby.
I want our baby that we lost.
I want to make everyone happy.
I feel like I am not good enough.
I wish I could finish school.

I am burned out at my job.

I feel like I keep letting people down.

I feel like I am missing support from my family when I need it most.

I am happy because...


My marriage is stronger than ever.
I have some truely wonderful blessings in my life.
My hubby is such an amazing person.

I get to serve some of the most wonderful Young Women. 
I have a warm and welcoming home to go home to.

I know I have a Father in Heaven that loves me.

I can keep trying.

I am excited for...


Summer.
Barbecues.
Getting my house organized.

Dates with the hubby.
Decorating my home.
The future.
New adventures.
Movie watching.

Cookie Baking.

Getting crafty.

Hopefully a baby someday.