Reflections on Infertility

This time of year while sitting in my warm, quiet home, spending time with my family and friends, it usually leads me into a reflective state. Sometimes being alone with my thoughts can be a scary thing, there is a whole lot of crazy up there waiting to come out. I have been thinking a lot about this past year and the years before. Like most people Adam and I have been through a lot of ups and downs but at least we have been through them together. Always at the forefront of our struggles is the dark unknown of infertility. I know, I know another infertility post, but I am hoping this one is different and  unfortunately, infertility makes itself known more when I become reflective. Adam and I were talking about our trials a few weeks ago and we talked about trying to find the joy in trials. Let me tell you that is a hard thing to do! But during our discussion we were able to find some silver linings on the dark clouds that pass through each of our lives.

With our infertility it is so hard to find the good and try to look at it as a blessing rather than a punishment. However, I think with each trial there is always something to be learned or gained. You may not see the blessing or understand the lesson until that trial is over but sometimes you can pull yourself from the darkness to see the little bit of hope or light to keep you pushing forward. I wanted to share our little glimpse of light we were able to find.

* Our miscarriage was one of the hardest things we have EVER had to deal with. It was painful and emotional and I still think about that baby that could have been. But because of that one time we know that my body CAN get pregnant. I don't know why I haven't been pregnant since (except a couple chemical pregnancies) but Adam and I try to hold on to that reassurance that it has happened once and it can happen again

* We were quiet about our infertility for a long time and I think at one point we just didn't want to admit there was anything wrong. It was lonely and painful to experience it all alone. Once we opened up about it we found that there were friends and family members there. We had a support group of people to talk to, cry on, get us in contact with our amazing doctors and just have them tell is it will be ok. I think back to those lonely times where we were just trying to figure this whole mess out. How much better it is now to know that we have prayers sent our way and ears willing to listen. (I am sure some of you are tired of the infertility talk but you will never know how grateful we are to you! Thank you!)

* When we were quiet about our infertility I think about all of the others who felt they had to be quiet too. When we decided it was time to share more information it was amazing to find out how many others were struggling with the same thing. Through this trial we were able to help a few of our friends with sharing our doctor's information or just being their listening ear. Even though we have not been blessed with our little one a few of our friends have been able to get pregnant through our doctor's office. I am not writing this to pat ourselves on the back but to remind me that even though we are not pregnant there are others who have been blessed because we shared what information we could. Does that make sense, or do I just sound narcissistic?

* Through this trial I have realized that I am strong. I can do hard things. I still have my rough days, weeks, months even years. But somehow I am still standing, I am still getting up everyday, I am still here! Are there days where the darkness encompasses me and I just want to be done? Of course! Sometimes I am not sure how I get through but I know that I have loving friends and family and a loving Father in Heaven that are there to support me when I am weak.

* At times through this difficult season of my life I have felt so alone and like my Heavenly Father has forgotten about me or given up on me. But I am here to tell you that even when my shoulders feel the heaviest and I don't think I can go on, my Heavenly Father is still there. Even when I give up on Him he hasn't given up on me. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real! When I realize that my Savior has been where I am, He has felt what I am feeling and knows the pains in my heart, that gives me comfort, that gives me strength. How truly grateful I am to have a Heavenly Father who sent His only Son to experience the pains of this world and sacrifice His perfect life so that I can be forgiven of my sins. What hope it gives me to know that my brother, Jesus Christ, has felt all of my pain so I don't have to feel it alone. I don't share my testimony on this blog very often but I know that God is real and I know that is why I have been able to endure this trial for so long. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have that if life gets too hard and the pain gets too much, that even when I feel like God can't help me anymore, I can still get on my knees and pray, I can still ask for comfort and blessings and He listens. He is there to carry me.

Like I said before, Adam and I have been through our share of trials, just like so many others. But this trial of infertility has helped me realize that somehow and through the grace of God we will survive this and anything else that comes our way.  I always worry on posts like this because I do not want to come across as someone who is trying to make anyone else trials seem less than or inferior to mine. I believe that everyone is given different trials and difficulties through this life and we all handle them the best we can, because they are OUR trials they cannot be compared to anyone else, often times that is easier said then done. So to any of you that still read this know that you are strong, you are brave and you can make it through anything that is thrown your way! You are amazing! You are loved!

If you made it through this long post good job! I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and have a wonderful new year. 2015 here we come.......

We are hoping to post more stuff soon but in case you didn't see it before:

Click HERE for our Fundraising Blog

Did you miss me?

Do you remember when I used to blog? Yeah I am starting to forget what that looks like too.

I am not sure why this little blog has been put on the back burner but unfortunately it has.

We have been busy, but not busy, does that even make sense? It started with our new blog 2 Nicholes for a Baby (yes I did give it another little plug) If you haven't taken a look, please do. We are so excited and anxious to hopefully be ready to start our family soon. We would love for you to share our blog and our story.

Ok enough with our blog.

We had an awesome Halloween. I didn't get all of the decorations up and one of these years my house will be spooky like I always wanted. Adam's family spent Halloween at our house. We had pizza, trick or treated and watch Halloween movies while handing out candy to all of our cute neighbor kids. Can I just tell you Halloween is awesome when you are in Primary? All of those kids are so excited to know where their teachers and leaders live and I may have given them a little more candy :)

We haven't really had anything else exciting, just trying to get through life. On the 9th we had our Primary Program. I was in charge of writing it and let me tell you that consumed my nights for quite a few weeks. I ended up writing 172 parts! We have so many kids, but boy oh boy did they do a great job! So proud of all those cute kiddos. But I am so glad it is over, I can finally breath!

Now we are preparing for Thanksgiving and the Christmas season, which is fast approaching. I am gearing up for my Wednesday before Thanksgiving pie and roll baking. Did you know that if you stay up super late the night before Thanksgiving you can get a lot of black Friday deals online and have it shipped to the store for free? So not only will my house smell divine with the baking of rolls and pies, (and let's be honest lots of sampling, I have to make sure it all tastes good)  but I can get a jump start on shopping. Win! Win!

Other than that, things are fairly quiet at the Nicholes household. Just trying to stay busy and working on ways to fundraise money for our In-Vitro, if you have suggestions we welcome them for sure!

And because I feel like every post needs some sort of a picture, here is one of Adam and I at Cornbelly's back in October

Quick

Just wanted to post a quick update. I have talked a little bit about upcoming fundraisers and things that we are working on to try and raise money to help with our In Vitro. For those of you who do not follow me on Facebook or Instagram, our new blog is now up and running. Adam and I have set up a blog to introduce our new fundraiser and to have a place to keep everyone updated on our progress and any future fundraisers.

With all of that being said please visit 2nicholesforababy.blogspot.com. We would also love it if you would share our blog/gofundme with your family and friends.

I will continue to post on this blog but for fundraiser and updates on our In Vitro please visit our new blog.


Thank you to all of you who have been such an amazing support for us during the most difficult trial we have faced! We love each and every one of you. I know that we will someday have a baby in our arms and I know that we could never do any of this without our Heavenly Father, great family and amazing friends!

Saturday in the Park

I have not been very good about posting lately but I would be very upset if I didn't share some of my feelings from last month.

For those of you who read this blog and follow me on Facebook you will know that a month ago, August 30th was a big day for Adam and I. It was the day that we were hoping we would be given a chance to start our family sooner, rather than later. It was the day of our 5K with Footsteps for Fertility.

I don't want to make you read to the end to know the results so I will just tell you, we did not win anything that day. No free rounds of IVF and no $5,000 grants. But I have so much emotion leading up to that day and of course the day of.

It was a beautiful, overcast day at Liberty Park. It was early (at least for me on a Saturday) We had to be at the park by 8:00am so we left Eagle Mountain around 6:45 and made great time. We arrived there at about 7:20.  I did not sleep well the night before. I was nervous, anxious and excited to see what the next day held. We showed up at the starting line with so many others while we waited for our team to arrive. I was blown away by how many people were there that day and how many groups were there for the same reason we were, to try, to start their family! Our team started showing up and I could feel the tears well up as I realized they were here to support us. (I kept it together pretty well at the beginning) We ended up having 15 people show up to run/walk with us!

It was a great walk/run and afterwards we waited with our team to hear the results. It was the longest drawing of my life but I knew that I was surrounded with so many people who loved and cared for us. Like I said above we did not win. I didn't think I would cry, but I did and honestly it felt so good. That is when our friends and family hugged us and gave us the words of encouragement we severely needed. That day I realized that it was ok for me to feel. Whether it was anger, sadness, hope, it didn't matter, this is our infertility journey and it is ok for me to have feelings. It is ok for me to share my thoughts on this little blog and it is ok if others do not understand or don't agree with me. We will survive! We have not given up. Stay tuned for more info on what we are going to do now.

Here are some pictures of that day but first I want to make sure I say THANK YOU! Thank you to everyone who signed up to walk/run or sleep-in. Thank you for reading my little blog and for following this journey with us. It is so much easier to carry a burden when you have others helping you along.

Infertility...

I know that most of my post about infertility are depressing and angry but I wanted to share some feelings and upcoming things that are allowing me to feel a little more hope and just embrace my trial and look forward to the future.

We met with our fertility doctor (RE) back in July and even though the money aspect is terrifying, I felt hope and peace while talking about our options. We were given a 75 percent chance with the first IVF round and a 98 percent every cycle after that, unless there are unforeseen problems.  Our doctor's office is one of the most affordable for IVF in the state, which is great but it is still expensive. So we met with the financial advisor at the doctor's office and were given a few options for how to pay, since our insurance covers absolutely nothing.  I don't want to go into detail right now but I will one of these days. After talking it over, here are the choices Adam and I are left with in no particular order:

1- Financing- The doctor's office offers financing for our IVF. They offer low interest rates and we shouldn't have a problem to get approved. The reservation I have is I feel a little funny "paying off" our baby for the next 5 years, especially since this won't include all of the doctor bills( that hopefully insurance will help with)

2- Paying for multiple cycles upfront. This one is a little harder to explain. Basically we pay for 4 cycles up front, 2-Fresh cycles, 2-Frozen cycles. Because we are paying upfront we get about a 40 percent discount. This plan is kind of like an insurance plan. If we do all 4 cycles and do not leave the hospital with a baby in our arms we get 50 percent of our money back. We can do this plan along with financing. The only downfall is that if we get pregnant on the first cycle and it ends with a baby we do not get to use the other 3 cycles on a future date. But a lot of times it takes a time or two for IVF to work, so we will more than likely go with this option along with figuring out how to pay for it. The only down-fall to this option is that it only covers IVF. It does not cover meds, anesthesia, or the freezing of our eggs for future uses.

3- Save, Save, SAVE! We also have the option to try and save for all of this on our own. We are definitely putting a plan into action to try and save what we can, but it might take a while and I can feel my eggs drying up ;-)

4- Fundraising. This one has been a hard one for me. It is not because I am too proud to accept help. The biggest thing that I am struggling with for fundraising is thinking that I am burdening someone else with my trial for this life. I never want anyone to feel like they HAVE to help me. I know everyone has trials in this life and this one just happens to be ours and I don't want it to be a weight on anyone else. I wish that we had the money to pay for IVF out of our own pocket, but to be honest we don't at this time. With the encouragement from some our friends we are working on a few fundraising ideas that I want to share here. I can't express the gratitude and out-pouring of love and concern we have experienced from friends and family so far. So many people willing to help anyway they can. It brings me to tears almost daily. We have the best support team.

First, if any of you follow me on Facebook, we are building a team for a 5k at the end of August. This 5k is put on by Footsteps for Fertility. They will be doing a drawing at the end of the 5K for two free rounds of IVF and for as many $5,000 grants as possible It works like a raffle, every time someone signs up under our team name we get another ticket entered into the drawing for IVF or a grant. You can register to walk/run or sleep in for the 5K. The sleep-in option just means that you are registered under our team but you do not have to show up to the event.

Details:

Date: August 30th
Time: 8:00 am- 10:00 am
Place: Liberty Park
Team Name: 2 Nicholes for a Baby
Register here: http://www.active.com/salt-lake-city-ut/running/races/footsteps-for-fertility-5k-slc-2014
$5 off registration with code: UFC5OFF

If you would like to join our team to try and increase our odds we would be forever indebted to you. If you would like to share this with others who might like to join our team please spread the word. If you cannot join our team at this time, please don't feel bad, just wish us luck and keep us in your prayers and that will be more than enough.

At this time we are working with some of our friends to set up a puzzle campaign to try and raise money as well. If you don't know what a puzzle campaign is I will have more details coming in the future. We got the idea from some friends and other couples saving for adoption or IVF.

I am sorry this post is so long. I will go into more detail on our procedures and costs as soon as I have a grasp on it all.

I am excited, terrified and hopeful. Wish us luck!

The month of May

I was going to try and update from my last update post but nothing really happened and too much time has passed so I will just recap the last few months.

Before I jump into the big event from May we had a few changes in our church life...
Back in April our ward split. It was a sad day and is still an adjustment. We were moved to the new ward which meant that Adam was released from the Bishopric. It was a bittersweet moment for us and we will miss many of our friends from our old ward. So to keep from getting too wordy we both got new callings in our ward. Adam is now a Sunday school teacher for the 16 and 17 year olds. He loves his calling and gets to teach along with one of our good friends. Maybe I am bias but he is amazing at teaching! I was called as second counselor in the Primary Presidency. It is a crazy calling but I think I am finally finding my way. We have 220 kids from age 0-11 in our ward, needless to say Sunday's are a blur!

Onto May.

Nothing really happened the first part of the month but on May 24th we celebrated Adam's big 3-0! It worked out so well that we were able to celebrate his big birthday on his actual birthday. We had a mustache bash with lots of family, some friends that happened to stop by, mustaches and homemade Cafe Rio.I don't think I have ever cooked so much food in my life, not even on Thanksgiving! It was a blast and we all ate way too much. I don't have a whole lot to say so I will just share some of our favorite pictures from the day.

 Our nephew wasn't too sure about that mustache

 Nothing better than mustache cake

Pretty sure those are supposed to be above your lip! My dad is crazy. 

Good thing he doesn't read my blog or he may disown me for this picture.

Adam's mom made him a beautiful blanket

This seems to be the only picture that I am not laughing in, oh that mustache.

Happy Birthday Adam!

Infertility part 5?

I am sure you are all waiting at the edge of your seat to know where we are at in these lovely fertility treatments. I want to try and catch you up on our life someday but right now infertility IS our life. Some of this post won’t make sense or not mean anything to you but I feel like I need to be better about documenting this point in my life. I am going to tag any posts that deal with infertility so that you can choose to read them or not, don't worry I won't be offended. 

This one is a long one....

After 7 failed cycles of 50mg Clomid, HCG and Progesterone we now have to move on. Our options were IUI (artificial insemination) or  IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization). If you want to know more I have explanations linked.

We took about a year off from treatments to save money, decide what treatment to start with and just get emotionally ready.

We met with my doctor on April 15^th to move on to our next treatments. We decided that we wanted to try a few IUIs before we possibly make the jump to IVF, mostly because the cost difference is crazy! Our doctor told us she would let us try 3 IUIs before she would have us move on to IVF. She felt that if it didn't work after 3 IUIs then she would just be wasting our money and would rather have us save up for IVF.

At our appointment we happened to be on the right cycle day so she gave us the green light to go ahead and start treatments that day! I was so excited, calm and just happy that everything seemed to be finally falling into place. I felt like this was our shot and it was our turn to finally be parents. I was put on 5mg Femara, 2 shots of Bravelle (FSH), HCG to trigger ovulation and that would be followed by an IUI.

The first IUI everything looked great! The medication worked, my body responded just how it should and Adam’s numbers looked great. I had only one good follicle that was not ready to ovulate and one that needed a little more time so I was given one more shot of Bravelle to help before our IUI.(It only takes one good follicle, but you have a better chance with multiple)

That two week wait was the longest wait yet! Unfortunately I started spotting the Friday before our test (of course it had to be on the same day as my sister in law's gender reveal party, so I probably wasn't much fun) and on Mother’s Day my period started, talk about cruel irony. First IUI was NEGATIVE.

 We decided to try and not let that get our hopes down because we still felt like this was the treatment we needed to be doing. We pressed on…

Second IUI in May went great again, but once more……NEGATIVE.

I started to feel discouraged but we knew we had one more shot, so on to IUI #3 we went. Everything was perfect once again. We left after our IUI for Vegas to get away and relax for a few days. Four days after my 29^th birthday we received the results of our last and final IUI. How I wish I could tell you that it was good news but again our results were NEGATIVE.

We are devastated, angry, heart-broken and just so lost. My faith is shaken, my hope is gone and I don’t know what to do now.

We both felt so great about starting our IUIs and that this was the treatment that we needed in order to get a baby here to start our family, only to be met with disappointment.

I wanted to post about our lives and our infertility so many times before now and I have so many drafts sitting there waiting to be published. I honestly thought that if I didn’t talk about it we would magically get pregnant and that I wouldn’t jinx us anymore, obviously that did not work.

Now we are left with the options of IVF, adoption, or to accept the fact that we will never have children. We are meeting with the doctor tomorrow to talk about IVF. It is going to cost us about $12,000 a try.  We are not opposed to adoption but right now we are not to that point and now that LDSFS does not do adoption the cost will be outrageous.  

So emotionally and financially I am feeling like it is time for us to accept the fact that we will not be parents in this life time, even though my Patriarchal Blessing specifically talks about me being able to create bodies for the spirits that will come into our home. I am trying to stay hopeful and hold onto my faith but after 5 years, 1 miscarriage, 2 chemical pregnancies, lots of money, hormones, heartache and disappointment there isn't much else left to hold onto. Luckily I have honed my skills of looking and seeming happy when I am broken inside. I am not as strong as people seem to think.

Sorry for the depressing post but I am learning that infertility is devastating disease, yes it is a disease.

To all of you who have children please hug them a little tighter for me and don’t take them for granted. For those of you expecting children, please know that I am happy and excited for you but some days it is harder for me to show, but I truly am happy that you are able to have children without problems and I will love your children as much as I love you. I plan to have an update on our past few months and hopefully a better outlook on life in general, but the news of our last failed IUI is still fresh on my mind so please forgive me.

Infertility awareness

Today kicks off infertility awareness week again. I know that I have not updated in over six months and I plan on doing so,eventually, but I can't let this week pass by without hopefully raising awareness by sharing some of my feelings or thoughts about this infertility stuff. I understand if everyone is sick of reading about my infertility so feel free to skip over these posts, I promise you won't hurt my feelings. But if you know someone who has questions or needs some support, send them my way, I'm mostly an open book and I can at least put them in touch with some of my wonderful doctors. 

Infertility awareness week 2014